KIRSTEN ULVE
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Dear Dategirl,
Without getting into numbers, the men I have slept with should represent a decent sample of the now-30something male population. With few exceptions (which I probably just don't remember), they have all been surprisingly quick on the draw. I mean, on their way to Sleepytown in under five minutes. Sometimes within a matter of seconds! My long-term live-in seems to have gotten faster and faster. Although he is careful to take care of me prior to the act itself, I barely have time to say anything filthy before he's wishing me goodnight.
Is a nice slow fuck another Hollywood romance myth, or am I a victim of PE? Is this a challenge for most guys? Are my lady parts super squeezy? Am I getting him too worked up during foreplay? Is he just being lazy? I'll talk to him, but some info or guidance would help.
Long Ing Famoore
While it's nice that your boyfriend "takes care of you" before he goes for the two-pump cum-dump, your situation sounds far from ideal. I realize people in long-term relationships get lazy (note to self: shave legs this month), but this is unacceptable. Whether you're tight as a vise or so red-hot he can't hold it, your boy needs to practice some self-control.
Obviously, you need to have a little talk. Let him know a few cursory thrusts does not a sex act make. "But," he'll protest, "I always show you a good time before!"
And while yes, he does—which shows you are not dealing with a selfish jackass—if you're like me, you consider oral and digital fun the appetizer for the main course: fucking. If he were at a restaurant and had a nice salad, no matter how delicious, followed by a matchstick-sized steak, he wouldn't be too happy, would he? Well, he's giving you the sexual equivalent of a Lean Cuisine, and he needs to understand that.
While there are worse problems to deal with (like not getting it up in the first place), this is certainly aggravating. The Mayo Clinic estimates that something like one in three men suffers from PE. Yikes. I had no idea. Some ideas for fixing things:
• Suggest he have a wank first. Maybe once that first pesky orgasm is out of the way, he can last more than a few seconds.
• Start having sex more often and see if repetition slows him down a bit.
• If he doesn't already, have him wear a condom. Yeah, he'll whine, "I can't feel anything." Ignore. You haven't been feeling anything for a long time. Once he's gotten you off, he can get rid of it and jizz all over the place. (Please note I'm assuming you've both been tested, this is a monogamous relationship, blah, blah, blah—I don't want anyone yelling at me for suggesting unsafe sex.)
• Quit with the drinking and the drugging and see what happens.
• He should practice—both with you and on his own. He should get almost to the point of climax and then stop and have you (or do it himself) squeeze the end of his penis—just under the head—for a few seconds until the urge has passed. Step away from the penis until the moment has passed and then start cranking again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
• In order to get his mind off his imminent orgasm, he should try filling his head with disgusting imagery—his mother naked (unless she's hot), poo, zombies—whatever scares the boner out of him.
• He should see a doctor, because PE is sometimes a medical issue.
• He should see a shrink, because it can also be brought on by anxiety, stress, or religious/sexual hang-ups.
• If nothing else works, have his doctor prescribe an SSRI—it's an off-label use for the drug, but doesn't everyone want to be in a better mood anyway?
Good luck!
Judy McGuire is the author of How Not to Date. Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
