Dear Dategirl, What do you do when your good friend’s girl

Dear Dategirl,

What do you do when your good friend’s girl gets on your nerves? This girl has a horrible personality, refuses to let us just hang with each other by ourselves, and to make matters worse, she constantly flirts with me. She tries to get me to slow-dance with her, and always makes it a point to bend over right in front of me. It’s even to the point of sitting in my lap like I was Santa Claus. While he’s sitting right there, doing nothing!

Meanwhile, she has turned my friend into such a pussy, it’s hard for me to respect him. She seems to get some kind of pleasure from talking down to him. His mother was a stone-cold bitch too—do you think that could be related? How can I still see my friend but avoid his girlfriend? I can’t tell him how I feel, because he’s in love. But this woman has turned him into a real wimp and it pains me.

—Cringing From the Sidelines

Dealing with attention whores is exhausting. It’s one of the main reasons I don’t have kids—having to lavish praise on every little achievement, from their first tooth to their reworking of “Starry Night” a la fingerpaint, would send me straight to the liquor cabinet.

But that’s children, and it’s expected of the little narcissists. Your friend’s girlfriend is presumably an adult, and therefore should calm the fuck down and quit sucking all the air out of the room.

Maybe your buddy is used to dealing with crazy broads because of his mean mom, but getting over destructive patterns is why God gave us therapists. And really, who cares why he’s with her? You just need to minimize her presence in your life. Make sure you know if she’s going to be there, and if she is, bring someone else along. Preferably someone louder than her. Invite him to be your plus-one to sold-out events, so there’s no chance of his getting her a ticket. I was going to say you should invite him to do dude things like eat chicken wings at a sports bar (gross + gross), but a room full of drunk guys is probably her idea of heaven.

There’s really nothing you can do to break them up except fuck her. But then you’d probably lose your friend too. But you can minimize her flirting. When she bends over in front of you, ask if she has her period. That should send her skittering off to the bathroom for a stain check. If she gets in your face to sweet-talk you, ask if she had garlic for lunch or maybe gum disease. And the next time she plops down on your lap, yelp “DAMN GIRL, YOU’RE HEAVY!” and act like you’re in pain. Even skinny girls fear they might be fat, and while preying on body issues is unkind, it’s not as bad as flirting with your boyfriend’s friend. Good luck to you and your misguided pal.

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