Dear Dategirl,
I love my girlfriend. Until recently we had an epic sex life, but over the past month or so she’s developed this habit of signifying her sexual interest by using an awful cartoon-character voice. Normally she has a husky, Zooey Deschanel–type voice, so this creepy, babyish, Betty Boop weirdness is a big contrast. I’ve tried to pre-empt it by always making the first move, because she doesn’t do it during the act, just leading up to it. But I can’t always get there first. How do I tell her it’s crushing my lumber?
—Skeeved Flaccid
This will require a little legwork on your part, but let me assure you, the end result will be well worth it. First, change your sheets to some you don’t really give a shit about. Those jizz-stained poly-blends you held onto from college should do the trick. Next, invest in a pair of snug cutoffs, a too-small thrift-store Oxford that you’ll rip the sleeves off of, and a tub of green body paint. Then the next time she’s out with the girls, transform yourself from mild-mannered Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk.
When she gets home, jump on a table, howl and beat your chest, throw her over your shoulders, run into the bedroom with her, and do her Hulk style. (“Hulk style” will inevitably result in green body paint everywhere, hence the sheet recommendation.)
Please note that I’m not suggesting date rape here. If she objects, stop.
Or instead of making such an investment in costuming, you could, you know, take the unprecedented step of talking to her and cluing her in that the baby voice is causing your balls to beat a retreat. For all she knows, tawking like a widdle girl is a big fat turn-on. After all, you still seem to be banging her. Mixed messages, mister.
Your problem isn’t uncommon. When people have been together a while, they can get lazy—regardless of gender or orientation—and lapse into bad habits. When once there were careful seductions, a few years in, sometimes all we get is “Hey, wanna doooo it?” (in a feigned Jersey Shore accent) during the commercials. NOT THAT I’M PROJECTING AT ALL. And neither baby nor thug voice are as bad as the tactic of one friend’s ex-husband, whose idea of foreplay consisted of sprinting across the house in a thong. Relationships are work, people!
She’s doing the chick equivalent of the air-hump, and when you fuck her afterwards, you’re letting her know that it’s acceptable. I’m not saying punish her by withholding the joystick, but make it clear that it’s only her extreme hotness that allows you to overcome such a dick-shriveler.
A good strategy for bringing this up is to figure out what you might have gotten lax about lately. Still as hygienic as when you first met? Did the morning kiss fall by the wayside? Are you now pooping with the door open? (Please say no especially to that one.) By coming up with your own shortcomings and fixing them, you’ll help her feel less defensive when you bring it up.
Anal sex, for or against?
—Loudmouth
Your ass, your decision. Be safe and use lube. Lots of lube. That’s non-negotiable.
