Dear Dategirl,
How does one become “good in bed?” When I married my husband, I wasn’t very experienced. I lost my virginity to my high-school sweetheart, who lost his to me. I dated here and there in college, but nothing too serious. There was one other boy whom I came close to sleeping with, but it was more of an “everything but” situation, oddly enough, because of his religious beliefs.
Then I met my husband. We’ve been together 10 years. We have two beautiful children, financial security, we both take care of ourselves, and consider ourselves best friends. But the other day we were having a heated discussion about something—I don’t even remember what it was—when suddenly he began complaining about our sex life. He told me I have no sense of adventure, that I don’t seem to enjoy sex, that I’m repressed. Finally, I asked him if he thought I was “bad in bed” and he said yes!
I am so hurt. His words cut me so deeply that once he saw what he’d done, he tried to take it back. But the fact is, he’s unhappy with our sex life and it’s my fault. I have no idea what to do. He won’t talk about it anymore, because he says he doesn’t want to hurt me again. What can I do?
—Crushed
Wow. What a shockingly shitty thing to say to a person. I wish he’d been the one to write, wondering how he could convince his wife to switch things up a bit in the boudoir. The #1 thing I would’ve advised against: telling you you’re bad in bed. And in the middle of a shitty argument about something else, no less. And now he’s saying he “doesn’t want to hurt” you again by discussing it further? You must feel like a turd sandwich.
But you must stop feeling like a turd sandwich, because it’s counterproductive. After 10 years of fuckery with the same person, sex can get a little stale, no matter what kind of gymnast you’re schtupping. Keeping things interesting isn’t your job, it’s both your jobs. If he has an issue, he has an obligation to bring it up in a sane, sensitive, loving matter—not by telling you you’re bad in bed. Oof.
He sounds like he’s usually a good guy, though, so let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Your sex life has obviously been on his mind, and if you are going to get past this, you need to start talking. Set some time aside and lose the kids for a couple hours. You may even want to enlist a therapist’s help.
To answer your question, there is no one definition of “good in bed.” I’ve had acrobatic sex that left me cold and red-hot missionary I still revisit for jack-off fodder. Enthusiasm and the connection between the two people involved is what makes for mind-blowing sex. And that connection will only get worse if you don’t clear the air.
Though it started stupidly, this painful conversation could actually benefit your marriage. Maybe there’s something you’d like to try? Pony play? For him to finally track down your clitoris? Zing!
At least he finally told you he was having a problem. This is something the two of you can solve together if you work on it. Just don’t let his dopey words become bigger than they are and bring you down, because the fact is, you’re only as good as the person you’re fucking. So he has some work to do too.
