Dear Dategirl,
My mother is coming to town next week, and my boyfriend is adamant about meeting her. We’ve only been together three months. My mother and I have a tense relationship because she’s a narcissist. Lucky me.
Now my boyfriend is acting all buttsore because I told him I thought lunch with the two of them was a bad idea. Meeting the parents is a big step, don’t you think? His live a few states away, so it hasn’t come up. Yet. He’s also very close with his family, and doesn’t get it when I tell him my mom is not like a regular mother. To avoid getting sucked into her craziness, I keep my dealings with her as superficial as possible.
I’m also afraid for them to meet because I know a lot of guys think a lot of girls end up being like their mother. If he meets her and then starts saying I’m like her, I’ll be really hurt. I haven’t gone into great detail about my childhood with him because it’s painful and makes me feel like a mutant, especially because his sounds so perfect. How can I convince him that this is a bad idea without hurting his feelings?
—Bad Daughter
Honey, you need to quit being ashamed about having been dropped out of a narcissist’s womb and start congratulating yourself for emerging intact and relatively sane. Maybe this speaks to the kind of people I tend to associate with, but I’ve found that the most interesting people are the ones who’ve overcome adversity of some kind.
If your boyfriend is a bookish sort, get him a copy of Malignant Self Love. Then tell him about your childhood. You don’t have to tell him every detail, just give him the abridged version of what it was like to grow up with a manipulative, shitty mother. All you need are a couple examples to make your point—like the time she canceled Christmas because you gained five pounds, or the way she used to “accidentally” brush her tits against your boyfriends. He won’t completely get it, but he will get a better understanding of your batshit-cuckoo childhood.
And if after hearing that, he still wants to meet her, let him. One good thing about allowing this to happen is that she’ll be too busy trying to win him over to make you feel like shit.
I’m engaged! Ecstatic doesn’t even come close to describing how incredibly happy we both are! After a few wrong starts (this is both of our third walks down the aisle), we both feel so blessed to have found each other. Unfortunately, our friends and families aren’t sharing in our excitement. I’m not wearing white and our reception is low-key, but damn it, we want to celebrate! My own sister told me she can’t make it because her family had already planned and partially paid for a vacation. My mother keeps putting off dress shopping. Bridezilla I am not, but this lack of enthusiasm is seriously hurting my feelings. What can I do?
—Liz Taylor Did It So Why Can’t I?
Do you know how many couples have been together for decades and can’t get hitched because they’re the same gender? Yet folks like you and Prince Charming can get married multiple times and nobody bats an eye—except for people like your obviously fed-up families and friends. You’re like the boy who cried wolf, except you’re the woman who cried husband. No wonder everyone’s rolling their eyes. If you’re so hell-bent on legally binding yourself to this guy, book a couple tickets to Vegas, do the deed, and STFU about it.
