Dear Dategirl,
About four years ago I got involved with somebody who was married, separated, and living with his best friend’s mother. When he told me he was going back to his wife, I bowed out gracefully and wished him well. However, on occasion (whenever he and the wife were having problems) we’d get together and hook up. Not my finer moments, but stuff happens.
Fast-forward to this past year. He left his wife, invited me over, and told me he had moved out and filed for divorce. From then on it was the perfect relationship, until I found out he was hittin’ anything that would give him a second glance. I was sad, but I ended it once and for all.
You’re probably wondering what my dilemma is. Remember I mentioned his best friend? Well, soon after our final breakup, his friend asked me out. To my shock, he explained he’s admired me from afar for a while. I was and still am completely flattered. He and the other guy had a huge falling-out a couple years ago, but I explained it would be awkward to date him since I had just ended it with his friend. We agreed that neither of us wanted to be “that person,” so we decided not to go forward. Since then, we often run into each other and share glances, and there are SPARKS going on for sure.
Is it wrong to get involved with him? I worry he might be a cheater too, like his friend/my ex? Are we doing this out of animosity toward the friend? Should I throw caution to the wind and not care what others may think?
—Looking for Love
Only you can know whether this is some sort of deranged hate/revenge fuck, so I suggest you slow down and figure that out before you do anything—or anyone—stupid. Because if there’s one thing I know (sadly, from experience), it’s that revenge fucks often end badly and occasionally leave you two fingers deep, trying to fish out the tattered condom that your bisexual, support-hose-wearing, certifiably insane spite-schtup left behind. So while your married guy might get angry that you banged his bud, you’re left buying Plan B and getting a full STD screen at the gyno.
Who loses? Answer: You.
Might I also point out that had you asked me, or any other borderline rational person, earlier, you could’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble? Getting involved with a married guy: stupid. Continuing to be his Plan C whenever he fought with his wife: dumb. Thinking that a cheater is going to suddenly become a model of fidelity: deluded. And now you suddenly care what other people think?
That’s not to say this new guy won’t work out. I once spent a few torrid days with someone and, once we were done with our lost weekend, wound up dating his roommate for a few years. Do you really think most people meet adorably—like her puppy falls into his peanut butter and the rest is history? Nope. Far more common is the couple who meets when she looks up from being finger-banged in the corner to see her future beau giving himself a Grim Reaper jailhouse tattoo at the shared kitchen table. Or maybe that’s just me.
My point is, who cares what anyone else thinks? If you like the guy, go out with him. If you have nothing but a shared loathing for the idiot you both used to care for, give it a pass. Love is pretty simple, and a few of the only rules are: 1) Don’t be a wuss, 2) accept you’re going to make mistakes, and 3) follow your heart.
Unless that heart is leading you toward a married dude. In that case, listen to me instead.
