Dear Dategirl,
A semi-famous N.Y. musician—a DJ, actually—who was in town for his “day job” came into my work and (his words) “couldn’t breathe when he met me.” He sat outside my store, waiting for a break in the crowd to talk to me, and then asked me out for a drink. Well, I don’t drink, but he was hot and not from here, and I had not had sex in about nine months. One tea and a dessert later, we were back at his hotel makin’ sweet love for hours. We had morning sex, brunch, and dinner the following night. He told me he doesn’t do long-distance relationships “anymore,” and I cried when he left. That’s what good sex that is leaving to go home does to me.
Anyhoo, he made me a Jeff Buckley iTunes mix, called and e-mailed for a week or two, and then told me “the light that passed between us must be set free—to spread love.” I called a couple times and he always calls back, but is it a relationship, a love connection, or even a friendship? No. It was just sex. Just thought I’d share.
—Been There, Done That
I know that this technically isn’t a question, but yikes. “The light that passed between us must be set free—to spread love”?!? Oh, my. Way to turn a perfectly hot vacation fling into a cheesy memory, dude. See, this is why we don’t have relationships with DJs. Or poets. Or singer/songwriters. Or artists. And could he be more of a cliché with the Jeff Buckley? Ack.
I’m sure women also say stupid shit when they’re weaseling out of a relationship, but I’ve heard some real clunkers from guys. In the interest of being servicey, I’m going to give you sensitive artistic types some lines you should definitely not say to someone you’re giving the heave-ho to:
• “My therapist and I agree that I shouldn’t see you any longer.” Yes, someone actually said that to me. He and his shrink were correct, but I’d already been dodging his phone calls for a week.
• “I have no good in my heart.” I mean, what do you say to that? Even through my tears, I jotted that one down for future mockery.
• “I don’t think I should have to pay for half of your abortion because you owe me for that train ticket.” This one was said to a friend of mine, and I still want to murder the douche who said it. And no, he never gave her any money for their abortion.
• “But her cancer was in remission!” Yeah, OK, this was John Edwards’ explanation for cheating on his wife, and not technically an exit line, but it still bears mentioning that those words should never leave anyone’s mouth. Unless they are willing to immediately accept a punch in said mouth.
I’m a petite, single, slim, educated, employed redhead in my 50s, and I haven’t had sex since 1995. I find there are fewer men to choose from and fewer men that I find attractive. In fact, not only do most men not excite me, most of them trigger my gag reflex. I don’t expect men to fall at my feet, but the guys whom I’ve met and tried to talk to seem to invoke the make-an-excuse-and-run reaction after a couple minutes. Why?
—Nauseous
Given that most men leave you with dry heaves, I’d assume that’s probably why they cut and run. Why would a guy put any effort into chatting you up when you’re looking like you’re going to puke all over his shoes? If I had summoned up the courage to go talk to a dude and he looked at me that way, you can bet I’d cut and run. Maybe the next time one of these barfers pitches some woo your way, try giving him a smile in return. See if he sticks around; maybe he’ll grow on you.
