You’ve seen the billboards. Patrick Chewing. Snackorondacks. The Choclantic Ocean. What do these phrases have in common? They’re all part of Snickers’ new marketing campaign–and they’re all East Coast–based.

To remedy this, we’ve dreamed up a handful of more geographically correct puns that the candy-bar maker should consider using in the great state of Washington: Ken Griffey Chewnior, Ichewro Suzuki, Chewlalip Casino, Lake Choclington, KeySnackrena, Snacksquatch, Chew Ridge, Bellevchew, The Chocoma Aroma, Nougat Sound, Death Cab for Chewy, Club Chocolate City, Red Hook Chewery, Puget Conchewmers Co-Op, The Moore Peanutre, Wazzu Chewgars, and the Chewniversity of Washington.

And as for generating interest in rural Michigan, Snickers should get rocker Ted Nougat to buddy up with Mr. Chewing, who, in fairness to the aforementioned coastist accusation, played for the Sonics one year late in his career.