My sex life sucks. The reason for this is multifaceted, but I happen to think it is due in large part to the fact that my husband is a lazy bastard. Here are some of the seduction techniques he has attempted to use on me lately:
a) He called from his car on his way home from work to tell me he’d taken “a pill” (Viagra), so I should “get ready.”
b) I came home from work one night to see that the kitchen was completely trashed, because he’d “cooked.” He was so proud that he’d successfully charred two steaks that he felt he deserved on-the-spot fellatio.
c) After I told him my doctor had found something suspicious on my mammogram and I had to go back for more tests, he grabbed my breasts and told me that my tits were too fantastic for cancer. (I’m fine, but that doesn’t erase his behavior.)
He wonders why I don’t feel like making love anymore! I’m still attracted to him when he’s not saying something stupid, but anytime I think that sex might be a possibility, he ruins the mood with his dumb comments. I’m closing in on 40 and have worked very hard to maintain my looks. I wonder if I should just leave before my options dry up. I’m torn only because I still love him. I just want him to stop acting like a horny frat boy!
—Frustrated in Fremont
I once had a boyfriend who would “honk” my boobs if he was in the mood. A pal o’ mine used to complain that her now-ex would try to seduce her by posing the question “Wanna do it?” But the best was Z’s ex-husband: After a few years of marriage, he began to signify his arousal by slipping into a fluorescent yellow thong and running around their apartment flapping his arms. Panty lock!
So you’re not alone. All these dudes started out with game, as I’m certain your dear husband did. But somewhere along the line, they let it fall by the wayside. While women in LTRs might slack off in the sexy-lingerie or pubic-grooming arenas, the one place where I’ve found almost all men slack is in the romance department. One minute they’re telling you you’re the most heartbreakingly beautiful woman they’ve ever seen—lips like sugar, breasts like perfect champagne goblets. Two years later, they’re demonstrating how they can make their penis “talk” like a fleshy sock puppet.
I suspect this is because men love the hunt. They’ll say and do almost anything to get you, but once they’ve gotten you, sex can turn into just another activity. Instead of this thrilling thing that may or may not happen, it becomes a fun function, like taking a particularly delightful dump.
Which is fine, except most women actually need to be turned on to enjoy sex, and watching your man try to make his penis speak in a funny accent doesn’t work for most of us. What you need to do is tell your husband how his current methods are acting as high-powered vagina dryers, and describe some of the easy ways he can get you in the mood. Maybe it’s a shoulder rub, perhaps it’s a compliment.
I know it can be annoying to spell everything out, but men are simple, especially when it comes to sex. You tell them what they need to do to get it, and, most times, they’ll be happy to oblige. And when he does actually listen, maybe next time you can feign arousal when he shows you that cool new trick he can do with his scrotum.