True believer has great sex with godless heathen!

Dear Dategirl,

I’m with a very loving, tender guy, the first I’ve had that knows how to rev my engine over and over. The problem? I’m religious and he’s not. This wouldn’t be an issue if he didn’t constantly shut down whenever anything pertaining to my faith comes up; I’m certainly not trying to change his mind. I’m considering living with him in the near future but am afraid that I will have to lock up that important part of my life, which would make me very unhappy. What should I do? I do love him, and I do love that engine being revved.

A Satisfied But Lonely Pilgrim

Hey there, Pilgrim,

So you like the sex this heathen hottie is doling out, but he don’t care for the God talk. I’m a little more prone to sympathize with your man; the sociopathic closet case I dated recently spent hours trying to convince me (me!) to attend Mass with him, even though he knew my position on the Lord and all things religious. It pissed me off for many reasons, but mostly because it showed a lack of respect. You say you’re not trying to convert lover boy, but are you sure about that? If you believe he’s headed for eternal damnation, I understand how you might want to steer him in a more righteous direction, but I’ll tell you right now: If that’s the case, you’re fighting a losing battle.

Maybe you really don’t have a problem with lovin’ a nonbeliever; your letter’s a bit unclear. Mixed marriages happen all the time, but they’re not easy. If this religion thingy is so important to you, perhaps you and your secular stud should try some couples counseling before you go living in sin (and not from a minister or another man o’ the cloth—that will only alienate your boy further). Hot monkey love is a wonderful thing, but only you can decide whether or not you are prepared to closet one obviously important part of your life just so you can get your rocks off on a regular basis.

Dear Dategirl,

What’s up with women who don’t enjoy receiving oral sex? I used to think it was because they were menstruating, had an STD, or smelled of another man. This proved to be untrue, because most of these women said they just didn’t like it and thought it was gross. I don’t get it! Also, how long should one wait after just meeting a woman before “slipping her the tongue,” “wetting her lips,” “nuzzling the ole nub,” “the tongue/twat tango,” “suckling,” and “flipping the beaver”?

Shaved Monkey

Dearest Monkey Man,

Thanks so much for the excellent selection of euphemisms. I must confess that I don’t know what’s up with these cunnilingus haters you seem to keep stumbling across; I can’t say I know one woman who doesn’t enjoy dancing the “tongue/ twat tango.” I’m going to have to assume they don’t like it because you’re not doing it right. Or maybe the guy before you did it badly, and he put her off. Or maybe you’ve had a bad run of exceptionally prudish women. But I assure you, most women enjoy a little “nuzzling the ole nub.”

Let’s just assume it’s all your fault—you’ve somehow scared these women off “flipping the beaver.” I don’t have the time, space, or inclination to give you a complete cunnilingual how-to, but there are plenty of books on the subject. Buy one. And perhaps more importantly, next time you go diving for muff, listen to the woman—let her lead you. If she isn’t talking, ask her what she wants or if you’re doing it right. Most women are glad to issue instructions if it means an orgasm for them.

Now, you ask, how long should you wait before thrusting your face between a woman’s thighs? Good question. Probably one—or both—of you should be naked or close to it. And no, it doesn’t count if you just strip down in a bar. Nudity must be consensual. I think that if a woman is prepared to fuck you, she’s probably prepared for you to “slip her the tongue.” Go for it!

Go for it! Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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