A couple weeks ago I conducted a poll* to test my hypothesis that while involved in a relationship with another human, women tend to jerk off more often, whereas men are more likely to save their spub for the main event. Because of the highly unscientific nature of the poll, the results were inconclusive, but you all are pretty funny (and, in some cases, gross). Here are some excerpts, divided by gender.

Ladies

“If I’m not getting any for an extended period of time, I’ll go through spells of lots of self-pleasuring but will also have times where I don’t even think the parts are working. If I’m getting it once a week or so, there are days in between when I really can’t do anything but stay in bed with my toys. If I’m getting it every day, and getting it good, I might masturbate during the day or even in conjunction with some partner action.”

“I don’t think there’s a set formula. For example, I used to go out with this one guy and we didn’t have sex very often, even though I liked sex and would have wanted to have it (with anyone but him). Having sex with him put me off it a bit, so it wasn’t a big priority.”

“Judith, I am a mother of two. Mothers don’t masturbate!”

“I’m a straight girl, and I definitely masturbate more when I’m getting sex regularly. Having sex makes me feel more sexual all the time. It’s not about quantity as much as it is a general heightening of sexual awareness—I remember my taste for blood and feel compelled to gorge myself at every opportunity.”

Gentlemen

“I gave up spanking it for Lent. (I hate to admit it, but the ads for 40 Days and 40 Nights were probably the impetus behind this move—I’m not much of a Catholic.) While my friends are of the opinion that it’s not really much of a sacrifice, as I’m in a new relationship and there’s lots of fucking going on, I always masturbate more when I’m getting laid regularly. My theory is that the more I get it, the more I want it—and she’s not always around.”

“My girlfriend (female—not prison bitch, I’m straight) and I have been dating a little over three months. Almost immediately, my masturbatory action dwindled to about none (as opposed to at least once a day when I was single). I woke up one night to my girlfriend pleasing herself. Instead of getting furious, I asked her if she wanted me to finish her up (she did). I think the main reason I don’t stroke it as often has to do with how close we are. We love each other, we please each other, everything is good.”

OK, Stud Monkey, I just have to interrupt here. What kind of jackass would be “furious” to wake up and find their girlfriend getting her rocks off? Why would you even consider that a possible reaction? And “not prison bitch”? How gay-friendly of you. You’re icky.

“I jerk off more when I’m getting laid. You know how athletes warm up before a game? I jerk off before she gets to my house, because that way the pregame jitters are gone, and it eliminates the possibility of any premature firing.”

“I definitely jerk off more in a relationship, because shooting on someone’s ass, tits, pussy, stomach, face, hair, etc., is infinitely more appealing than the sink. As for women doing it more often when they’re involved—let’s face it, most guys have no clue how to make a woman come, so once the three-minute hero has grunted, finished, and fallen asleep, it’s time to break out that Pocket Rocket.”

“I reduce my masturbation when I’m going out with a gal because I don’t want to waste any shots. I also don’t fill my head with too many fantasy images, because the thought of me fucking Fairuza Balk in the ass with my three-foot long cock while she’s wearing a latex cat suit is going to be stronger than any real girl in front of me. Of course, when I’m not seeing anybody, I’ve been known to beat my meat three or four times a day. Once I thought I broke my wrist.”

“When I’m dating somebody, I want to be at peak performance, so I save up everything—erotic energy, backlog of fantasies, and, yes, steaming hot jism—for when I’m with ‘my man’ in person.”

*As usual, way more men than women wrote in. And I got absolutely zero responses from lesbians—what up with that?

What up with that? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.