Man, oh, Manischewitz, have I been depressed! In recent weeks, clouds of bleakness and despair have permeated the normally fun-filled Dategirl household. The dishes have gone unwashed, the clothes remain at the laundry, and the cat would’ve died of starvation except that she’s an unrelenting little bitch. Some days I didn’t get out of bed at all, and if I did, there was a good chance I didn’t shower.
But that’s all in the past now. Yesterday I saw two midgets and a man with Tourette’s syndrome. Then this morning a cute man walking his dog smiled at me! For some unfathomable reason, these seemingly unrelated events have conspired to give me a whole new lease on life! Not only have I started washing my hair again, I got a sporty new do, bought some fetching new clothes, and am about to go on vacation. I have two new crushes and am fairly sure at least one of them returns my ardor. Yay for me!
In order to maintain my good mood, I’ve been rereading John Waters’ brilliant collection of essays, Crackpot, and was inspired by his piece on teaching in the prison system to dig out letters from some of my incarcerated readers:
Dear Dategirl,
My vastly traveled life is one that leaves much room for speculations, such as “hostage” taken and “white” slavery. The latter seriously leads me to question the market place and the “goin’ rate.” For instance, stolen “art work” (for example) has only so many venues, where does one sell a stolen nude? Well, Dategirl, I leave you with these lovin’ readmarks [sic], and we still wait your response.
A Reader
Dear A Reader,
I have no idea what you’re talking about, but thank you for writing! Oh, wait—he wrote me another letter too:
Dear “Dategirl,”
I have been considering “what would be the ideal woman” and in view of my circumstances, “I’m in jail,” and in light of my criminal nature “I have a hard time settling on what would be the perfect attributes on and in a female.”
I have decided “to write” yet again “in light of my lack of response to my previous letter” I have made this one short. I would appreciate a response. “Your last column sucked.”
A. Tully Questioner
Dear A. Tully Questioner,
I did not realize you could be locked up for grievous misuse of quotation marks! In light of your strange way of stringing phrases together, I remain befuddled as to what you’re talking about. But again, thanks for writing!
Let’s move on to our next penal pal:
Hi, Dategirl,
I have had a fetish for women’s socks for many years. I would take my girlfriend’s socks and masturbate. She would catch me at times and say, “Quit playing with your puppets!” I would place her sock over my hard stiff penis and jack off. When I get ready to ejaculate, I pull the sock off and let it out. God what a rush. I love the feeling of soft socks that women wear in all colors.
Do you think my sock and foot fetish is stupid? Can you hook me up with girls to write, or even yourself? Please! I wish I could have you as a friend to write to every week, and talk about sex, life, and Jesus.
God Bless
Dear God Bless,
You do whatever makes you happy—plenty of people have stranger fetishes than yours. But this isn’t a dating service, so, no, I’m not going to hook you up with me or any other girls. My therapist has advised me to write down all the qualities I’m looking for in a man, and “Felonious Foot Fetishist” is right next to “Lives with Parents” on the Don’t Go There list. Sorry.
This last letter isn’t postmarked from prison, but I firmly believe its writer has the potential to end up there someday:
Dear Judy,
There is a misconception that nice people lack toughness. I am a veteran of the Armed Forces that has served a tour of duty in a combat zone. I can kill people a few different ways with my bare hands. Every human being has a dark side that can manifest itself in ugly and brutal ways. Those of us that are generally nice make a greater effort to suppress the dark side of our being.
A Nice Guy That Won’t Ever Change
Dear ANGTWEC,
I think I speak for all of us when I thank you for suppressing your dark side. Gracias!
Write from prison to dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
