Dear Dategirl,

I am a 31-year-old married man. Although I still check out other women occasionally, I was with enough of them before I got married that I don’t feel any compulsion to cheat on my wife.

However, I do wonder what it would be like to be with another man. There are plenty of men I’m attracted to and wonder if I got together with one, would it put my mind to rest or would it open up a whole can of worms?

Basically, I’m wondering if it is just as bad to fool around with a guy—experimenting with feelings that have come up recently—as it would be to fool around with another woman? I don’t have a desire for full-on sex with a guy; that actually seems repulsive to me. My desire is for some kissing and touching and perhaps oral sex. Not anal sex.

Like I said, I love my wife and we have a great sex life, so I’d never fuck another woman. But should I really suppress these urges I have toward other men? Or do I allow myself to find out if I am truly bisexual?

Frank

Frank, allow me to be frank with you—making out with and subsequently sucking the cock of another guy actually is full-on sex. (To answer your next question, yep, it’s still sex if he’s doing the sucking.) Where did you come up with these bogus boundaries?

Would it bother you if your wife were doling out blowjobs down at the bus station? Would it make you feel so much better that she was “only” tonguing some other guy’s balls rather than allowing his manmeat entry into her precious ladyflower? Spooge in her ponytail = OK; jizz in her pubes = no way? I suspect you’d be annoyed either which way the sperm was splattered. And rightly so.

Anyway, why wouldn’t you want a nice fat cock up your ass? Have you ever had a finger up there? From all reports, it feels really good: Prostate gland—look it up.

Also, FYI, not all gay dudes are into the anal, giving or receiving. Sorry to burst your bubble (butt). Doesn’t make you any less gay (or bi) to declare your ass a wiener-free zone. Homosexuality is defined as being attracted to someone who’s the same sex as you are. That’s all.

What you’re really asking is for permission to deceive your wife so you can run off and blithely indulge your extremely conflicted fantasies. “Full-on sex” with another man is “repulsive,” yet oral is OK? Sorry, I still can’t get over all the repression and full-on kookooness in that thought.

I have a bunch of friends with gay dads. No, not the cool kind who adopted and/or went through an insemination process with a willing surrogate. My friends grew up with ostensibly hetero parents until Dad finally knocked down the closet door. And yeah, it sucked for their families, but I get why my friends’ dads were afraid to admit who they were. Back when these guys were getting married and having kids, being gay—especially outside cities like New York or San Francisco—was a huge scary thing, and they would’ve lost everything if they’d admitted they were anything other than straight.

You’re lucky to live in a more enlightened time. Do you mean to tell me that at 31 it’s only just occurred to you that you might like dudes? That seems unlikely. And if you want to have sex with people (men or women) other than your wife, why did you get married in the first place?

If you’re hellbent on sucking cock, tell your wife you want to open up the marriage and see what she says. Maybe she’ll be cool with it (though odds are she won’t be), especially if you introduce the idea of having a threesome with another guy. Maybe she won’t be happy about your revelation, but she will be able to make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to wait around while you “explore” this side of yourself.

Because basically, what you’re asking for is permission to cheat. Permission denied.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com