Dategirl . . .

I am a 31-year-old male virgin who still lives with his parents. My dating experience has been pretty vast over the years, but lately things don’t exactly make my confidence meter rise as far as getting hitched. On one recent date, I met the girl at her apartment before we went out to a cafe, and she ended up bringing along another guy! (TRUE STORY!) And the list goes on.

Sadly, I’m beginning to lose confidence in the things I learned back in my church sex ed. class when I was in the seventh grade. For the record, it taught me the basics of the birds and bees, but as far as how to be successful in the dating realm (which really comes first, right?), there was kind of a black hole there. Just like in college, I spend my weekends building castles in the air and reliving past coulda-beens. Any suggestions?

Lonelier Than Thou

Dear Lonelier,

Where to begin! First of all, quit feeling sorry for yourself and move out of your parents’ house immediately. This is nonnegotiable. You are an adult. That you are a virgin does not surprise me, because grown-ups who live with their parents do not develop the social skills necessary for a normal sex life. Remember Norman Bates? Get out now.

Once you are safely ensconced in your bachelor pad, learn how to take care of yourself. A man who brings his laundry home to mommy is not a man any broad wants to see naked. Invest in some tasteful, comfortable furniture, and for god’s sake, buy a real bed, not a futon. Sheets for said bed should be 100 percent cotton with a high thread count. No matter how tempting it may be, do not hang anything on your walls depicting alcoholic beverages, sports, or naked ladies. Images of dogs playing card games and kitties hanging off branches are similarly verboten. Learn how to cook at least five meals—and no, SpaghettiOs don’t count.

As for losing confidence in sex ed. gleaned at church, unless you attended the Church of Fun, you shouldn’t have been paying attention anyway. So forget whatever tidbits they fed you and buy a copy of The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex to get the logistics of the act down.

Once you’ve determined where the clitoris is located, hire a hooker. Get rid of that virginity pronto! We all end up paying for sex in one way or another, so there’s no shame in formalizing it with a credit card transaction. As it’ll be your first time, I recommend you purchase her charms for at least two hours in order to work out any kinks in the equipment. Yeah, I know it’s not very romantic, but you’ll feel much more confident once that pesky virginity is a thing of the past. And make no mistake—women find confidence (not cockiness, arrogance, or conceit) hotter than shiny new sports cars or Tommy Lee-sized wieners.

And I don’t want to hear any whining about how expensive it’ll be to follow my instructions. I’m assuming that all these years spent tethered to mumsy’s apron strings has netted you a handy little nest egg just itching to be spent. If this is not the case, you can always get a second job (assuming you have a first) or liquidate your collection of Star Trek memorabilia. Yes, Seven of Nine does have a great rack, but an action figure won’t give you head.

Finally, I’ve got news for you: Dating sucks for everyone—virgin or whore. Nobody knows how to do it properly, and nine times out of 10 it’s an excruciating exercise in futility—hours spent with a nitwit who wants nothing more than to drain you of your savings and your will to live. But every once in a while (the one outta 10 times), you hit the jackpot (as opposed to the jackass) and end up with someone swell—and so we persist.

HELP! A couple that just moved to the area is looking for good make-out spots. As my friends and I are strangers to modesty and will suck face pretty much anywhere at any time, I am stumped. Got any ideas? Send ’em in! dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.