Dear Uptight Seattleite,
I’m not a pothead or anything, but there’s nothing I enjoy so much as toking up in the great outdoors on a perfect summer day. But what about when I’m on an outing with my daughter’s Girl Scout troop? I’m sure some of the other dads on the trip also enjoy a smoke every now and then, but how can I tell which ones? I don’t want to blow my cover to nonusers, who may not be very understanding of my harmless little habit.
Wary Weed
Dear Wary,
Drop a couple of subtle hints while you’re sitting around the campfire with those other dads. “I’m not sure what time it is, but it sure feels to me like it’s going to be 4:20 in a minute here,” you can say, and then look around meaningfully. Or, “Wow, those are some pretty tall trees over there, huh? I’m thinking about going over to see exactly how HIGH they are. If someone wants to accompany me, I’ll be sure to give you a TOKIN’ of my appreciation. It’s sure to be a JOINT venture.” Then wink a couple of times, give a knowing chuckle, stretch your arms ostentatiously, and walk away slowly. When you look back, I just bet you’ll see a row of soul patches bobbing after you like baby ducks.
Here’s a word of caution, though, in case you do end up smoking alone. Go out for a long walk by yourself, and let go of all your worries. You work damn hard, and going for a stoned hike is no crime. Let the fullness of nature murmur sweetly to all your senses. But when you return to the society of the straight, try to express your enthusiasm for the wonders you’ve seen in a low-key manner. It’s OK to say this: “Yeah, it’s pretty nice up there. Found a dry creek bed. Saw some tracks, maybe deer.” It’s not OK to say this: “Oh my God, it’s so fucking beautiful, it’s like some kind of fairyland! I was going back in my mind to when I was 4 years old and my backyard felt like the Garden of Eden. Whoa, I mean it sounds so weird, but it was just fucking like that! And here all you guys are, sitting around like Farmer John or something! Ha ha ha!” You can stare at the fire and THINK that, just double check that you’re not saying it out loud. Good luck and happy smoking.
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
I just found out my friend has herpes and I feel suddenly awkward around her. What should I do? How can I deal with these feelings?
Icky Who
Dear Icky,
The first step is getting over the idea you seem to have that your friend’s condition is something shameful or disgusting. You shouldn’t think of it as being different from any other disease that’s transmitted through the indiscriminate sharing of bodily fluids with strangers.
I’m sure she feels awkward, too, so your next step will be to do both of yourselves a favor by making a little display of your enlightened new attitude. The next time you see her, give her a big hug and whisper tenderly in her ear, “I’m hugging you and I’m hugging your herpes, too. Because I love and accept your diseased bits along with your healthy bits. Also, I’m aware that this kind of casual contact puts me in no danger of infection.” As you pull back, you will find that her eyes are shining with tears of gratitude. That’s when you lighten the mood by introducing your affectionate nickname for her condition. “How is the Ol’ Herp this month anyway?” you can ask, or, “So you really like him, huh? Does he know you’re singing the Hansa Blues?” Poke her teasingly in the ribs as you say this. Because a little laughter melts the cold walls of shame and leaves us holding hands on that warm plateau where we’re all OK.
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