Dear Dategirl,

I love kissing my girlfriend’s feet while we make love. “Kim” enjoys it too. She also likes it when I pee on her feet in the shower after sex. I think it’s weird, but I don’t mind doing it. Last week, she asked me to urinate all over her before we made love. When I refused, she blew me off and stormed out of the room. I know that urine is sterile, but what is she thinking? Should I just go ahead and do it or what? We’re very close, but have never talked about these fetishes of ours. How do I approach the subject?

—Frank

Jeez, a girl writes one column on foot-stomping (Dec. 3) and suddenly she’s the go-to girl for fetishists. Actually, I’m good with that—much better than fielding yet another “Seattle men/women are stand-offish jackasses” letter. So bring me your pee, your poo, your plushy cuddlers—I wanna start ’09 on a new, more perverse note.

Speaking of ’09: Are you having a festive holiday? I am! I’m writing this in my pajamas, sitting in front of my lit Christmas tree, drinking a refreshing Diet Coke, and thinking about what a great year it’s been. I have a nice boyfriend, two nice cats (well, one nice cat and one insane one), nice friends, and a nice apartment. I have a chronic health problem, but it’s not life-threatening, and I just bought myself a beautiful new iPhone. I didn’t lose my life’s savings in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme (probably because I don’t really have life’s savings) and the stock market crash left me unscathed. Being poor has its benefits.

One of my best friends dumped me over Facebook, which sucked, but I made a couple of new pals who’ll possibly pick up the slack. And really—you dumped me over Facebook? I’m totally going to TP your locker after class.

So mostly things are good. Oh, and my boyfriend has never asked me to pee on him. That’s good too. Speaking of which, I don’t blame you for being a little put off by this request. It’s not one you hear every day, though it’s definitely not as bad as if she’d asked to eat your poop.

You say you’re close, but you’ve never discussed what you like in bed. Hmmm. I would say you two need to do that. Immediately. I never understand how two people can put mouths, fingers, and genitalia all up inside each other and yet the act of talking about where you’re going to put those mouths, fingers, and genitalia is so daunting. The #1 thing you can do to improve your sex life isn’t to sprout a bigger dick or abs of steel, it’s figuring out what your partner likes and telling her what you like in return. It doesn’t have to be some long, emotion-drenched Very Special Moment—it can be a quick and dirty convo in the car. Some examples:

“I want your tongue to spend more time on my clitoris.”

“Please put a finger up my pooper—it’s clean and I have a sassy little bottle of lube right here.” (Make sure those fingernails are trimmed!)

“I would like you to urinate in my mouth.”

See? Was that so hard? That’s all that’s required. As for whether or not you actually want to follow through and do it, that’s your call. If it’s something you find repellent, then don’t. If it is merely not a turn-on, then consider it. To put it in perspective, my boyfriend (being Greek) is a big fan of anal action. Unfortunately for him, I’ve been there/done that with other men, and discovered that not only is it not remotely exciting for me, it’s actually quite painful. As much as I’d like to make him happy, I’m not doing it at the expense of my own rectum. I am, however, quite happy to stick things up his bum if he ever requests that.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com