Nothing like coming home from a fabulous vacation in a foreign land only to find that your readers think you’re doing your job all wrong. . . .
Nah, you’re not a bitch. Just totally insensitive to someone who doesn’t see the world exactly as you do. And about as fit for giving public counsel as I am. I am taking your advice, though . . . once is enough for reading your column.
Wassup! I really enjoy reading your columns (recent infatuation-induced sappiness aside). I am writing to say that I think the Weekly needs to add a “Dateguy” to offer the male perspective on the letters you answer in print. This way the reader can get a more balanced, comprehensive view of the situation. Plus, it would be fun to read a side-by-side male/female response to some of today’s more pressing social issues.
Dear Joe & Irv,
Sigh. The name of this column is “Dategirl,” not “Dateboy,” “Datedude,” “Dateguy,” nor “Datedick.” Most of the people who write in asking for advice are straight men—they don’t want some mook’s point of view. They want a broad’s-eye view. It’s like when you’re shopping. Would you rather your college roommate or the hot blonde down the street think your ass looks smashing in those new pants?
When I feel like a man’s take might be germane (which it occasionally is), I have a whole slew of male consultants on call, 24/7. Sure, most of these guys are my drinking buddies and may fall short of being experts in the field of gender relations, but they’ve got the necessary equipment and are more than willing to put their two cents in whenever it might be needed.
The ladies who write me also want a woman’s advice (they are also clever enough to realize that since they’re writing to a column called “Dategirl,” that’s what they’re gonna get). Women are different animals than you guys. When we have problems, we talk them out at great length with our friends. We have found that women are generally (though not always) slightly more helpful. Ladies, who among us hasn’t had the experience of pouring our guts out to a guy whose first response is that he’ll kick the ass of whoever is putting us through our current trauma. While the caveman answer is genuinely sweet (and on occasion handy), it’s not really what a gal usually needs to hear.
Now that that’s settled, I’m going to get back to work and answer a real question now:
I don’t know where else to go. My girlfriend and I are taking a “break” from eight months of dating. The decision was hers. I guess I got a little drunk one night and was being a jackass. Anyway, she says it’s been building and she needs some time. What the hell does that mean? I’m 24, and this is my first long-term relationship. Are there rules to this or what? Am I supposed to sit around with my cock in my hand until she’s “ready” again? From my point of view, I should be out there getting laid, but then I feel guilty because I think I love her. I’m not worried about her finding someone else—she’s just really busy right now. If she does find someone else, I doubt he’ll compare (I do have an above-average cock and an amazing tongue). What do I do? We haven’t talked in a week. Should I call, wait, fuck, keep staring at my hand and the magazine it’s holding?
—Fuck or Be Fucked
As Irv kindly pointed out, I may be a bit insensitive, but to me, it seems too bad that that above-average cock of yours is attached to a dumb ass. As charming as you sound, I doubt your girlie ditched you over one night’s drunken shenanigans. Do you get liquored up and act like a moron on a regular basis? If so, you might want to consider limiting your alcohol intake. Either that or learn how to handle your booze.
If you want to win Princess Charming back, you’d best step up to the plate and offer your best apology—something along the lines of “I love you, and I’m sorry I was such a drunken fool. Please tell me what I can do to fix things.” Then do whatever she says. And I do mean whatever.
There are no “rules” when a relationship is on hiatus. But if you want to keep it from becoming a permanent vacation, you’ve got to make some changes. Here’s a tip: Lose the arrogance, pronto. A tiny dick and sluggish tongue worn by an awesome fellow beats a big-dicked, slippery-tongued jackass every time.
Being a jackass? Write firstname.lastname@example.org or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.