Cheatin’ Fart

"'Sleazy' is not a characteristic on most women's must-have list."

Cheatin' Fart

Dear Dategirl,

I’m in my 50s, in good physical condition, and I have a higher sex drive than most men my age. Five years ago, my wife of 16 years had a complete hysterectomy and, among other things, lost her ovaries. Since then she has had zero sexual appetite. She’s never turned me down, mind you, but I simply cannot complete the sex act with her. I’ve tried twice in the past three years, and it was not fun. Essentially she just lies there and waits patiently for me to finish.

I might be horny as hell, but I can’t stay hard in that situation. Even so, I love her dearly. She’s the best companion ever—except in bed. So now I need to find a girlfriend—hopefully a little younger than me, who’s attached, with a high sex drive. I’ve been using Ashley Madison and another site, and for over a year I’ve had nearly no response from any of my ads or responses.

Complex situation, isn’t it? When I was younger, I never had any trouble finding women, but now I feel like I’m living on the wrong planet and most women are looking for younger men.

I have several close friends who are in exactly the same situation. I think it’s more common than anybody knows. Any advice?

—Mark

Horny, married, middle-aged guys trawling for tail? I don’t think anyone thinks that’s uncommon, honey. Not only that, “My wife won’t have sex with me” is second only to “She doesn’t understand me” in the official Lame-Ass Excuse Hall of Fame.

If your wife isn’t into having sex, perhaps you should work on that before you go looking elsewhere. You say she’s the perfect companion in every other way—don’t you think she wants you to be happy in the sack as well? Having a complete hysterectomy fucks with a woman in many ways, but there are drugs she could take to make her feel more normal and amorous. Why don’t the two of you see if her doctor has any pharmaceutical solutions to suggest?

Then again, maybe she’s fine hormonally and you’re just annoying. I find it hard to believe that an otherwise great guy would be posting ads looking for extracurricular tail. Most of the cheaters I’ve known have been spineless, duplicitous shitbags, too chickenshit either to work on their relationship or leave the marriage without a safety net in place. “Sleazy” is not a characteristic on most women’s must-have list.

It’s not the extramarital sex that is the hardest for betrayed parties to deal with, by the way. It’s the lying and generally shitty behavior that comes with the cheating: The picking of fights so you have an excuse to stomp out of the house and go meet the affair partner, the constant belittling, the gaslighting—all done so the cheater can justify his or her actions. If your partner sucks, leave.

But if you want to stay married, tell your wife you want to open up the marriage to other people. If you’re getting some on the side, shouldn’t she have that option as well? Maybe she wouldn’t just lay there and patiently wait with someone cuter, sweeter, or better-endowed than you. Getting schtupped by someone who treated her with respect and wasn’t covertly combing the Internet for undercover pussy might inspire her to have the amazing sex life she deserves. Wouldn’t you want that for her? You seem to think you’re a great guy—now’s your chance to prove it.

Your situation is about as “complex” as the head of a pin. What I do find hilarious is that you’re only interested in younger women, yet complain that all women are looking for younger guys. Can you spell “irony”?

dategirl@seattleweekly.com


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