Why is it that if you put a man in front of a computer unattended, his primary destination becomes any and all porn sites he can possibly find?

My relatively newish boyfriend recently moved in and spends an enormous amount of time either in front of the TV or the computer. He does not have his own PC, so I let him use mine. When I’m around, it’s pretty legit activity. But when I’m not, the Internet files show all sorts of porn sites—with some legit stuff, too, but maybe 70 percent porn.

Now, I’m not opposed to looking at porn on occasion and have enjoyed it in the company of a longtime significant other in the past. But every time he logs on? It also seems odd so early in a relationship, when he could be having sex with me whenever he wants.

Part of me thinks it’s no big deal. Another part thinks he has a bigger problem—electronic media addiction. But I still can’t help thinking that he’s taking advantage of the situation.

How much porn is normal? Should I be worried that I’m not giving him what he needs? Why am I snooping, you ask? I worry about what goes onto my computer. I’ve had enough bugs and crashes that I’d prefer to minimize problem portals. It may or may not be true, but it is my perception that porn sites equal increased risk. When someone is on my computer more than I am, I’m going to take efforts to clean it up.

Do I sit back and do nothing? Put the PC in lockdown mode when I’m not around? Keep a Bible under the mouse pad? Surely you’ve come across this before. I seek your valued advice!

Picky Porn Buster

Men look at porn for the same reason dogs lick their balls—because they can.

You may find this difficult to believe, but I actually mull over the letters I receive before I set about answering them. So I went to sleep Monday night considering your query, only to be awoken early Tuesday morning to the sight of my boyfriend hunched over his laptop, wiener in hand, a pile of spoogy tissues at his feet. Nice. And timely, too.

Normally, I don’t mind his naughty little habit, but your note got me a little paranoid. So, like the mature grown- up lady I am, I bolted upright and howled, “Internet pornography is ruining our relationship!”

My special naked (and temporarily sated) friend looked at me like I was retarded and crawled back into bed. He then proceeded to show me that he could enjoy a carnal relationship with the siliconed girls of domeinthebuttbigdaddy.com and still keep me happy.

But bear in mind, the stuff SNF looks at isn’t interactive. He’s not establishing chat room “romances” with these women; he’s looking at pictures or movies and having a wank. So don’t think I’m condoning e-cheating. This is strictly licentious commercial porking we’re talking about here.

As for why your man keeps his habit a dirty little secret, that’s simple: Men have a need to get away with shit. Why, just the other night, I was hanging out with my buddy John and a freshly engaged guy friend of his. They were discussing how John is once again going to be house-sitting for the couple when they go on their honeymoon. John turned and confessed, “He told me where the porn was hidden,” with a conspiratorial nod.

Genuinely confused, I asked the friend if his fiancée would be annoyed if she knew he watched nudie flix. He sheepishly admitted that he doubted it, but planned on keeping it ferreted away just the same.

See, it can be the most innocuous secret in the world, but I haven’t met a man yet who didn’t like to feel as though he was getting one over on his beloved. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will never fathom the whys of this, but then again, I’ll never get back hair, either.

You can make a big dramatic production over his online onanism, but really, unless he starts holding out on you in favor of his computer cuties, I wouldn’t bother.

Got a dirty little secret? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.