A Lesson on Ye Olde Poop Chute

A Lesson on Ye Olde Poop Chute

Dear Dategirl,

My boyfriend of almost a year just confessed that he inserts a small vibrator in his ass when he’s home alone masturbating. This would be OK, except he added that he’d like me to either put a finger up there or use a strap-on on him. I’m positive he’s not homosexual and I guess I’m relieved that he felt comfortable enough to tell me what he wants, but I’m not sure how I feel about this. What would you do?

—Not an Ass Girl

What would I do? I’d squirt some lube on my finger and jam it up his keister next time we were doing it. Afterward I’d grab him by the arm, march over to Babeland, and figure out exactly which harness flattered my ass the best. Meanwhile, he’d be examining the dildos, discerning just how much girth his not-quite-virgin asshole could handle. Then we’d go home, watch a couple “Bend Over Boyfriend” videos, and have at it.

But what I would do shouldn’t be the question. What are you going to do?

Straight guys can get touchy about their assholes, and with good reason. I mean, even you—his girlfriend—felt compelled to clarify that he’s not gay. That he felt safe enough to tell you this speaks well of your relationship, but honestly, in the pantheon of quirks and kinks, this is a fairly minor matter. Once they try it, most guys enjoy the occasional finger up the poop chute. There’s this thing up there called the prostate gland that can feel amazing when stimulated correctly. Of course not all men are fans, and of those who do enjoy it, some are going to be all freaked out by the idea of penetration and thus kill any potential pleasure, but mostly . . . yeah. Not unusual at all.

Strap-ons take things up a notch. Just because there’s a fake penis (strapped onto a real lady) involved, only a very enlightened kinky bastard is going to be into that. I say “enlightened” because the kind of guy who’s into this is probably going to be more flexible as far as traditional gender roles go. Which I find to be big bonus points for your man. Let’s hope that this enlightenment also seeps through to his thoughts on equal pay, sharing of housework, and an egalitarian approach to child-rearing (if you choose to go there). Sounds like a keeper to me.

However, this is all new to you. You thought things were good one way and now he’s introducing a new ingredient to your favorite flavor. It’s understandable that you’d be a tad unnerved and maybe a little uncomfortable, but try to keep an open mind.

Without getting judgy, tell him you’re a little surprised by his revelation, and share that this is unfamiliar territory. Ask if he has any pointers. It’s all new, so a little apprehension on your part is normal, but try not to let it get out of hand. Maybe the thought of getting a little poo under your nails has you freaked. If so, he can (mostly) alleviate this by showering first. Perhaps you’re scared you’ll rip some delicate rectal tissue. To combat any chance of that, make sure always to keep anything going up there, be they digits or dildos, well-lubricated.

You might also want to take this opportunity to let him know some things that you’ve always fantasized about but have been too embarrassed/uptight/shy to mention. Light bondage. Heavy bondage. A m/m/f three-way. A furtive finger-bang under the bar. Plain old missionary on the altar of the church where you were baptized (after hours, please). Think about the possibilities. His simple request could be the best thing to ever happen to your sex life.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com


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