By Chason GordonSpecial to the The Daily Weekly Before I remark on

By Chason GordonSpecial to the The Daily Weekly

Before I remark on the travesty that was the New Year’s fireworks, let me give you my qualifications as a critic. I studied the great art of pyrotechnics with the Zambellis in New Castle and the Gruccis in Brookhaven, where I learned all the techniques of the trade, like how to point fireworks away from your face, how to stuff the thing inside the other thing, and which colors are cool (blue), and not so cool (yellow).So it was with great sadness that I watched Tuesday’s display. The show opened strong enough with an array of rings and comets shooting out from the Space Needle in a rousing ascent of light and color. But as the fireworks continued with a splattering of peonies (I know the lingo), it felt more like a mundane tribute to the Space Needle than a celebration of the New Year. They lacked a certain immediacy and newness. A great fireworks show should create a dialog, not pander with safe constructs that reinforce prejudices.How many times have we seen boom/boom/bang? Is it too much to ask for a boom/bang/boom, or a bang/bang/kapow, just to shake thing up a little? Even the colors were uninspired. Throw something in there besides red and green, so I don’t have to vomit on my hotdog. The show had all the dignity of a box of Froot Loops. And besides, if you want to stay with tradition, at least do it properly. You follow a willow with a crossette, not with a spider! Everyone knows that. I understand why the fireworks need to be set off by a computer, but were they choreographed by one as well? Where was the heart? The crowd kept waiting for a crescendo that never arrived. It’s truly amazing that we got nothing but foreplay from something that inherently symbolizes ejaculation. Who knew that was possible? The fireworks looked like a giant Christmas tree on fire, like an old Windows screensaver, like somebody pissed on a Lite-Brite box (too much?). If you glanced in the distance, you could just see the moon desperately trying to get out of the shot.We go to a fireworks show expecting to celebrate the New Year, not to be reminded of the world’s inevitable march towards self-destruction. Let me be hopeful for five goddamn minutes. Because with that kind of sendoff, the only resolution I’ll be able to keep next year is to not watch the fucking fireworks. That I can accomplish. Look, I’m sorry. I got into a big argument with a cab driver and it put me in a bad mood, so I may have been a little harsh. The fireworks were fine.Happy New Year, I guess.

More in News & Comment

Malena Gaces, left, and other members of Washington CAN protest unfair move-out charges and alleged discriminatory behavior outside Kitts Corner Apartments in Federal Way in 2018. Sound Publishing file photo
King County could increase tenant protections

The council is considering ordinances designed to help renters.

The 2015 Wolverine Fire in the Okanogan-Wenatchee National Forest near Lake Chelan. Photo courtesy of the Washington Department of Natural Resources.
The smoky summer that wasn’t

While Washington had a mild season, wildfires burned near the Arctic.

‘I will pay the fines’: Property owner violates city code with large sign opposing marijuana retail in Federal Way

Sign stirs controversy over property owner’s donation of building space to city for potential police substation.

Former classmates, teachers remember murdered Federal Way teen

Sarah Yarborough was strangled on FWHS campus in December 1991; her suspected killer was arrested nearly three decades later on Oct. 2.

Dane Scarimbolo and Dominique Torgerson run Four Horsemen Brewery in Kent. They were almost shut down in late 2017 by King County, which after years of letting them operate a brewery and taproom, decided they were in violation of county code. Aaron Kunkler/staff photo
Proposed winery ordinance irks King County farmers, neighbors and businesses

Concerns include more traffic, higher land prices, code enforcement and compliance.

Two Federal Way gang members charged with murder of teen dumped in Green River

Suspects allegedly brutally beat boy with a bat, chopped him with a machete before dismembering and dumping his body.

U.S. Sen. Patty Murray and Rep. Kim Schrier held a roundtable at the Issaquah Food and Clothing Bank on Oct. 3 to talk about the Trump administration’s plan to further change SNAP food benefits rules and reduce the number of people using them. Aaron Kunkler/staff photo
Murray, Schrier vow to fight White House restrictions on food stamps

Senator and Representative met Oct. 3 at Issaquah Food and Clothing Bank.

King County is considering ways to increase both the supply of and demand for compost to help divert organic material from the landfill. File photo
King County wants to boost composting market

In 2018, around one-third of material sent to regional landfill could have been composted.

Bellevue is the most expensive place in the region to rent an apartment, according to a new analysis. Courtesy photo
Several King County cities are among most expensive to rent in Northwest

Bellevue topped the list for highest apartment rents during the first half of 2019.

Most Read