No, seriously. While I’m very happy for those of you whose childhoods weren’t totally fucked up, that doesn’t hold true for most of us. Ever since my parents split up, the holidays haven’t been about peace and goodwill, they’ve been about survival. So if you’re in need of a good excuse to bid your relatives adieu before the family Monopoly game goes sour, here’s your exit strategy. And if you just want to go out with your cousins you only see once a year, that’s fine, too. Christmas EveThe Blue Moon Christmas Pageant and Midnight Mass is basically a Satanic parody of all the Christmas pageants you had to sit through as a kid. It’s not the place for those who don’t appreciate a hearty roast (literally) of all that Christians hold sacred — the performance comes complete with a fight between Jesus and Satan — but it is the drunkest you’ll ever be at Mass. And to all a good night, indeed. Festivities get going around 9 p.m. and is free, though a donation of $5 is appreciated, no one will be turned away for lack of funds. Christmas DayCandidt could’ve canceled or rescheduled The Corner, a hip hop showcase which takes place on the last Friday of every month. Instead, he just made sure to have an extra-awesome line-up put together in honor of the holiday. This month, Khingz, Orbitron, Jarv Dee and Santa Clause (we hope) will all be saying verses for your entertainment. Things kick off at 10 p.m. and costs $5.