Free Willie!

What they didn't find on the Red Headed Stranger's tour bus.

Good ol’ Willie Nelson and his band got nabbed last week with a pound and a half of ganja and some hallucinogenic mushrooms after being pulled over for a “routine” traffic stop by a Louisiana state trooper. While we’d expect nothing less from our Rasta-man Willie (not to mention a Bloody Mary Mornin’), it does serve as a nice reminder never to tour in Louisiana or other Southern states.

Country crooner Nelson, of course, has long been an advocate for the legalization of marijuana (along with organic farming and the ability to grow a long-ass double ponytail without being called a geriatric silly-goat). Sure, at the age of 73, he could have claimed the sack of weed was for glaucoma or a host of other ailments, but he took it like a Ramblin’ Man, got his ticket for possession, and was On the Road Again.

Thing is, Willie really has made some amazingly positive gestures for the planet. And we’re not talking about signing autographs free of charge, helping a little lady across the street, or playin’ his fine gee-tar, Trigger—we’re talking major philanthropy here. The singer started Farm Aid in 1985 (which has raised over $25 million for struggling small farmers); he founded BioWillie, a company that makes fuel from vegetable oils; and, most recently, he organized the Tsunami Relief: Austin to South Asia concert and CD to the tune of $150,000 in aid. Not to mention the tunes! Hello! “Crazy,” “Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys,” “Blue Eyes Cryin’ in the Rain”? Thank you!

But forget all that—forget the civic duty, the patriotism, the farm relief, the environmental entrepreneurialism, and the fact that the feds keep pickin’ on our elderly outlaw troubadour—and let’s just think for a moment about all the things that weren’t on Willie’s bio-bus and praise the Lord:

•Photos of baby Suri

•Weapons of mass destruction

•IRS 1040-EZ tax forms

•Kevin Federline’s new CD

•A razor

•J Crew slim-fit jeans

•Endangered Costa Rican Sea Turtles (or belt buckles made from said Sea Turtles)

•The Juicy Couture catalog ’07

•Meth, blow, ecstasy, heroin, Darvon, Prozac, Percocet, Viagra, or speed (note to Rush Limbaugh)

•Plans for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge

•Yoko Ono

•Bumper stickers that read, “Just Say No,” “Texas Is Bush Country,” or “My Other Car Is a Hummer”

Boys Gone Wild videos

•Improvised explosive devices (IEDs)

•Aerosol cans

•Natalee Holloway, Webster, or any of the kids you’ve seen on milk cartons

•Cattle prods

•Crack pipes

•Phone numbers for Dick Cheney, Liza Minnelli, or any of Nelson’s four ex-wives

Mein Kampf

•Hillary Rodham Clinton

•The entire Olsen Twins video catalog

•Diamond-studded grillz

•Ten tons of fertilizer

•Jimmy Hoffa


The Vegan Cookbook

•The Republican National Party platform.

•Entire first (and only) season of Chaotic on DVD

•Morning-after pills

•Hair Club for Men membership

•$16.7 million in back taxes (1990–93)

•Water-boarding equipment, electrocution devices, or interrogation chairs of any kind

•The movie Ishtar

•Members of Al Qaeda

•Clay Aiken bootlegs

Gas Guzzler magazine.

•Televisions tuned to The View

•The Koran or cartoons making fun of the Koran

•Self-tanning machines

•Herbal Essence hair products or beauty cream

•Paris Hilton, Newt Gingrich, Lindsay Lohan, or the cast of Laguna Beach

•Burnt American flags

And, hey, let’s remember—no matter what went down on the bus, at least Willie wasn’t drivin’.