You know what would make this barbecued tofu taste a lot better? If it was made out of meat.A (brief) sampling of the kind of letters, emails and comments I receive every time I write about barbecue. All of these are related in some way to my recent review of Stan’s Bar-B-Q in Issaquah.From Claudine:”I wouldn’t call it a great story or a terrific article. It brings back memories of a pig on a spit (whole) that I attended many years ago in France. That little pig turning slowly has been haunted me ever since. I have fortunately evolved. There is no way that I would eat animal flesh today be it pig, cow, horsemeat, chicken or otherwise. It is better for the planet, better for my health and definitely better for that poor little pig who wants to keep on living. Meat is murder any way you slice it!”Yay, Claudine! Congratulations on evolving. Personally, I’m a level 12 unicorn, but the way I look at it, your haunting childhood memories and dependence on the produce aisle at Whole Foods just means more pig, cow, horse and chicken for the rest of us.From David:”Not mentioned are the ones whose bodies are being prepared. We tend to think of the animals people eat as property and objects, but are they really? Do they feel pain any less acutely than dogs, or have any less unique individual personalities than cats?”The real question here is, how delicious are those cats?From a different David: “Think seriously about what went into the “production” of the animal flesh that is sitting on your plate or in your bun so that you can delight your taste buds. Really think about it, and why you voluntarily choose to support the suffering and death of countless animals (some as intelligent as young children), when perfectly healthy and delicious alternatives exist. Look past your taste buds, the culture of meat, and the almost comical machismo associated with it by advertising companies, for the sake of those who suffer and die. Think critically. Articles like this focus so much on the indulgence of physical senses that you’d forget all about the fact that a barbecue is just searing the flesh of a butchered animal that never needed – or wanted – to die just because you like that taste of it. This summer, choose to not follow the herd (no pun intended), close the barbecue lid and make a conscientious dietary change for the better, however big or small.”What humans choose to eat has never been a function of relative intelligence, but rather of accessibility: If it is slower than me, it’s dinner. Carrots, I grant you, are pretty slow. But I’m guessing that most children, no matter how young, would be intelligent enough to run when the guy with the pneumatic bolt gun came along.From John:”How would you feel if you had to make the choice between eating nothing but cruelty-free, healthy and delicious vegetarian meals or nothing at all?”Fucking hungry, I imagine.From Laure Rainbow (no, I’m not making that up):”How typical, another BBQ review. When are we going to get something interesting and fresh in this paper? Something that is new and hasn’t been reviewed to death, like a cool veg restaurant or where I can find the very best falafel in Seattle, that would be worth the read. There’s nothing very exciting about a big hunk of meat covered in someone’s secret sauce, that’s actually really disgusting. I would love to read about food that doesn’t set me up for a heart attack down the road and doesn’t completely destroy the environment like meat does. Can we please explore some restaurants that are doing something new and different than the same old thing? Seattle is a pretty progressive city, I know we be more creative than pouring some sauce on chunks of dead animal and slopping it on a sesame bun.”First, if you’d been paying attention, I’ve already told you where to get the best falafel in Seattle: Mawadda Cafe. So you’re welcome. Second, I never said Stan’s used a sesame seed bun. That would be sacrilege. A proper pulled pork sandwich involves chunks of dead animal put between two slices of cheap grocery store white bread. And anyone who serves such a sandwich with the sauce already poured on is just an idiot. Goes to show how much vegans know about barbecue, right?From Amanda:”Summer bbq’s don’t have to involve slaughtered animals. There are tons of great vegan bbq recipes to try.”Really? Are there? Okay, then this sounds to me like a challenge.Since it appears that Amanda, David, Other David, Rainbow and all the rest of you who wrote me impassioned letters about my support for the wanton slaughter of all the cute little animals in the world seem to believe that there exists some miraculous vegan alternative to barbecue, here’s the game.Tell me where to get it.That’s all. Just show me a place that’s making vegan (or even just vegetarian) barbecue that’s actually edible and actually barbecue, and I’ll go there and check it out for myself. I’ll go happily. And you know why? Because I’ve got no problem at all with vegan and vegetarian cooking and absolutely love it when someone gets their head really into a problem (like providing barbecue for the meat-free masses) and then finds a way to solve it. Those kinds of people are my heroes.Oh, but wait. Before you start typing, consider this: I am a restaurant critic. My job is all about comparing this steak to that steak and this green bean to that one over there. The core tenet of my gig is eating something and then weighing it in my head against all the other similar somethings I’ve ever eaten before. This means that you don’t get off the hook here by just pointing me in the direction of some place that dumps a bunch of cruelty-free barbecue sauce over a slab of tofu and calls it barbecue. No, in order to qualify as “vegan barbecue” it must…1) Be prepared like barbecue. That means smoked to such a degree that the low heat and the wood smoke have worked their magic on whatever is being used in place of protein. Grilling is not barbecuing. Putting barbecue sauce on something cooked without the benefit of smoke and low, slow heat is not even close to barbecuing. If it was, Lay’s barbecue potato chips would count. And Lay’s barbecue potato chips don’t count.2) Have the same taste and texture as the barbecued meat it is mimicking. This is where all of your suggestions will likely fall apart because scientists have been trying for years to get a meat-free product to actually pull apart the way real muscle tissue does, and have only seen some small successes recently. But honestly, if you know some crazy backyard scientist out there who’s making his own soy pigs or tofu chickens, you let me know. Because I’d love to meet him.3) Taste at least as good as the worst actual barbecue I’ve ever had. And the worst actual barbecue I’ve ever had? That was made for me by this poor Asian-American family who had, for some reason, taken over the location of a half-decent soul food barbecue place in one of my old neighborhoods. Though it was very clear that they didn’t have the first clue about what American BBQ was supposed to taste like or how it was supposed to be prepared, they valiantly took to the smokers and hot boxes and tried to make it work. The result was godawful, tasting, for the most part, like shreds of damp cardboard rescued from a fire at a box company (though it was the first time I’d ever been served a barbecue cheeseburger that was actually barbecued), but it qualified because, terrible as it was, it was still barbecue. Your veggi-cue? It has to be at least as good as that or no dice.So that’s it. Y’all talked pretty big about all the delicious and healthy options there are for those of us willing to forego that rack of baby-backs or pile of pulled pork, so now it’s time to put up or shut up.Hit me with your best shot, folks. I’m hungry, and I can’t wait to see what you come up with.