It’s the age-old reality T.V. adage: “I’m not here to make friends.”

December 5, 2012 12:00 am
10. Kenny, Season 7. If this isn't a picture of somebody trying to make friends, I don't know what is.
10. Kenny, Season 7. If this isn't a picture of somebody trying to make friends, I don't know what is.

It’s the age-old reality T.V. adage: “I’m not here to make friends.” Well, sometimes Top Cheftestants are there to make friends. Whether or not they succeed? That’s another question…About this column: A retrospective tour of Top Chef’s delicious history, Top Shit is a weekly feature honoring the Seattle season of our favorite show ever. Got something to say? Contact Miss En Place at flambethis@outlook.comPublished on December 5, 2012

8. Season 1's Harold. He was so nice and classy, all my snarky words have failed me. He just showed us how to play the game right, unlike fellow chef Tiffany, that sneaky lady who lied and schemed and...oh, there they were.

8. Season 1’s Harold. He was so nice and classy, all my snarky words have failed me. He just showed us how to play the game right, unlike fellow chef Tiffany, that sneaky lady who lied and schemed and…oh, there they were.

7. Speaking of Tiffany, I'm pretty sure the only reason she agreed to return for the All Stars season was to make some friends and rebuild the thousands of bridges she burned in the 11 short episodes of Season 1.

7. Speaking of Tiffany, I’m pretty sure the only reason she agreed to return for the All Stars season was to make some friends and rebuild the thousands of bridges she burned in the 11 short episodes of Season 1.

6. In Season 5, Hosea and Leah got along so well they seemed destined to become life-long friends. Both were in relationships, so it was just friendship, right?...Right?!?

6. In Season 5, Hosea and Leah got along so well they seemed destined to become life-long friends. Both were in relationships, so it was just friendship, right?…Right?!?

Wrong.

Wrong.

5. Season 4's Andrew. The incomprehensibly energetic half-man, half-animal (manimal) was never without a joke (or skit, or song, or character, or...) to brighten the day. His best contribution, though, is this iconic phase: I have a culinary boner right now. Pure style.

5. Season 4’s Andrew. The incomprehensibly energetic half-man, half-animal (manimal) was never without a joke (or skit, or song, or character, or…) to brighten the day. His best contribution, though, is this iconic phase: I have a culinary boner right now. Pure style.

4. Maybe it was just me, but Season 9 guest judge Charlize Theron seemed reallllly into the show. Like, a little too into it. As in, coming backstage to visit the chefs and gush over them and offer up her hot tub for their use anytime. Okay, that's not totally true. She didn't gush thaaaaat much.

4. Maybe it was just me, but Season 9 guest judge Charlize Theron seemed reallllly into the show. Like, a little too into it. As in, coming backstage to visit the chefs and gush over them and offer up her hot tub for their use anytime. Okay, that’s not totally true. She didn’t gush thaaaaat much.

3. I, for one, think infamous rapping chef Marcel just wanted some love. But when he innocently tried to compare knives with Ilan, he was shot down with this quip: Next we'll be showing each other our cocks.

3. I, for one, think infamous rapping chef Marcel just wanted some love. But when he innocently tried to compare knives with Ilan, he was shot down with this quip: Next we’ll be showing each other our cocks.

2. Season 1's Brian was ONLY there to make friends, as evidenced by his absurd, and unrelenting, usage of succulent to describe any female cheftestant.

2. Season 1’s Brian was ONLY there to make friends, as evidenced by his absurd, and unrelenting, usage of succulent to describe any female cheftestant.

1. Season 5's Carla. She seasoned America's heart with her signature ingredient (love), and coined a catchphrase (Hootie! Hoo!) that people have been pretending to understand since 2009.

1. Season 5’s Carla. She seasoned America’s heart with her signature ingredient (love), and coined a catchphrase (Hootie! Hoo!) that people have been pretending to understand since 2009.