Putatively a new romance starring Robert Pattinson, Remember Me begins like a vigilante movie: A Brooklyn subway platform, 1991; a racially charged stickup; an 11-year-old girl watches her mother get shot. It’s the first sign that this film won’t be content just charting the little measures by which two people become able to love—in fact, it’ll barely do that at all. Flash forward 10 years, to the halcyon days of the Strokes and whatever other significant events happened in NYC circa September 2001. Pattinson is histrionically depressed Tyler Keats Hawkins, a coasting, scruffy NYU student coming up on his 22nd birthday. Meanwhile, that little girl on the subway platform has grown up to be not Batman but fellow NYUer Ally (Emilie de Ravin), whose still-bereaved, overprotective cop dad (Chris Cooper) busts Tyler one night. Some coincidences later, Tyler will pick up Ally on a revenge-dare, ensuring an eventual variation on the ever-popular teen-movie “Was I a bet?” breakup. There’s an insult-to-injury quality to a plain bad movie with a “seize the day” message (Remember Me‘s tagline: “Live in the Moments”), which heckles you with all the other things you should or could be doing while you’re marking time waiting on the credits, wondering if the movie will ever end. Well, it does—oh, mama, does it ever, with a crazy long-bomb heave toward epochal significance.