This Week's Horoscopes

Cancer (June 21–July 22)While it might feel unkind to deprive your fat dog of food or tell your tone-deaf kid he can't sing, those are actually the kindest things you can do. The alternatives are potentially an early entrance to doggie heaven, or a disastrous televised audition on American Idol. Love, ironically, can look an awful lot like being mean, especially to those on the receiving end. But that doesn't make it any less loving—in fact, I'd argue that it's more selfless and generous than anything that also happens to make you look good. Don't stop yourself from doing the right thing simply because your act of love may make someone hate you. They may never thank you for it. But they sure as hell won't hate you less or thank you more for not doing it.Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)A truth gone astray could be your best friend this week. An e-mail or text sent to the wrong address, while potentially humiliating and dramatic, might also reveal a truth you'd never have had the guts to spill otherwise. These things always come out one way or another, and a technological Freudian slip could be the best thing for this particular relationship. Once you've weathered the fallout from it, the door to greater intimacy and honesty is wide open. That itself is worth a lot—certainly far more than the price you'll have paid.Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)Even though we like to think we've come a long way from our ape ancestors, humans are still quite territorial. We've just come up with vastly more sophisticated and sometimes subtle ways to delineate and defend our personal boundaries—which is why sometimes people don't get the clue. Although these borderline brutes might respond better to your pissing in the corners or growling when they get too close, that's certainly a bit beyond the pale, and not your style in any case. However, I would suggest, for the benefit of these socially inept cave people, you try to make things a bit more obvious than you have so far.Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)Neighbors can be a blessing or a nuisance. Sometimes the line between the two is so faint that we opt for the minimal-contact approach and treat them like strangers. However, this week is a good time to make connections with the people who share your environs. I know that in some contexts these days, it's considered totally weird to approach your neighbors, and your efforts are likely to be greeted with some degree of suspicion—but you should do it anyway. There's no reason you can't invent your own paradigm for interacting with the people you live close to. Just keep this in mind: Make yourself more of a blessing than a nuisance, and you should get the same in return.Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)Some states have Good Samaritan laws, more or less requiring people to do the right thing. I wonder how effective they are; if the only reason you're going to help someone who needs it is because you want to avoid getting in trouble with the law, there's something wrong. That, however, shouldn't be a problem for you Scorpios, who are almost always guided by your own particular moral compasses, regardless of the context. That can often be more a handicap than a strength (especially if they aren't perfectly aligned with prevailing thought), but this week it ought to serve you well. Don't let anything divert you; once you've hit on the thing you should be doing, do it.Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)Why make a distinction between snorting and shooting heroin? Really, they're both pretty extreme. The line you're trying to draw between two possibilities—this side is OK, that side's not—is artificial, arbitrary, and fairly preposterous. Both options are about equally bad, and your feeble attempts to legitimize one are transparent. Don't bother with that. If you want to do something, just do it, without trying to make it seem legit or OK if it's not. If those ideas are really what's holding you back, maybe you need to reconsider what you've been thinking about doing; it might simply be a bad idea.Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)I'm a big believer in mind over matter. Probably, if you could convince yourself it was possible, you could bend a steel bar with your bare hands. It's the convincing that's difficult. We're inclined to believe that such a feat is impossible, that reality is what it is, regardless of how we think about it. It's not, though—or at least it's slightly more malleable than you think. I can tell you for certain that you're capable now of doing one thing you considered completely impossible last year. If you were wrong about that, what else might you be wrong about?Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)People are always making money. When the stock market crashes, some people are raking in shitloads of money. There are people who know how to profit from a recession, or even a depression; some families became filthy rich during the Great Depression. My point is that there is some benefit to be reaped from any situation, regardless of how disastrous it appears. Whether or not you are willing to profit from it is up to you; don't for one second, though, deny that it's there. Admit to yourself that you're keeping yourself from what you might want, not the situation—then and only then can you—at least theoretically—make the decision to change it up.Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)Brand loyalty should only take you so far. If a company drew you in because it made a quality product, but then (perhaps secretly) downgraded, why should you stay loyal to them? In fact, since it's a kind of betrayal, you might want to make a point of taking your business elsewhere. Naturally, this lesson in conscious capitalism applies to your interpersonal relationships as well. If the qualities that caused you to invest in someone are no longer there, why should you keep squandering your time and attention upon them? Take your business elsewhere, already.Aries (March 21–April 19)Being happy is often just a matter of habit. Sure, it takes a great effort of will and conscious perspective to be cheerful in stressful moments, and it's easy to be joyful when things are amazing. But most of life's moments are actually fairly neutral. Unfortunately, many people have made their default setting "sour and disgruntled," or some degree of such. What's yours? Changing a long-standing, ingrained habit isn't easy, but it's still possible—this week, it would at least be easier than usual. Take this time to begin to shift your default settings a little closer to "perpetually happy," since you can.Taurus (April 20–May 20)The choices you've made lately are an awful lot like running to the store for a bottle of chemical fertilizer for your garden and drenching your poor plants in the stuff. Sure, it might get results, but not necessarily the ones you want. Overall, it's a poor choice, considering your options. In this case, having a compost heap would accomplish the same effect at a fraction of the price, in a way that's healthier, more sustainable, and more environmentally responsible. If you have a choice that's just full of win, please choose it, even if it requires a bit more planning and effort. Ultimately, you won't feel good about settling for anything less.Gemini (May 21–June 20)There are two main methods of losing weight: eating less and exercising more. Common sense dictates that the most viable and sustainable strategy is a combination of the two—moderate physical activity coupled with a modest reduction of food intake. And yet you are so attached to extreme solutions that you're unwilling to consider the middle road. I like the fascinating nature of extremes, but arbitrarily choosing them every time has gotten kind of boring, and kind of dumb, too—since the middle road in this case is the best one, won't you please consider it?

 
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