Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Your perception of time is dramatically different from almost everyone else’s. Perhaps you’re not aware that its passage is more fluid, malleable, and dynamic for you than for other people. We don’t view it quite that flexibly, even if we wish we could. Half a year, to you, could be a blip or an eternity—or, paradoxically, both—whereas for your friends and neighbors, it usually just feels like about six months. Be sensitive to this difference. I think you’re a lot closer to the truth— that time is all about how we experience it. But some of those you know aren’t quite up to that level. Luckily, you have the ability to transform someone’s aeon into an hour or to help someone slow down and enjoy a few short, precious moments this week. Please use it.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Hold on to your horses, ladies and gentlemen, because they’re trying their damnedest to escape. This a good week for tight reins and short leashes; many of the elements of your life that you count on are eager to bolt in all directions. Don’t let this happen. Cooler heads must prevail, and for once that means you. In other words, you need to keep your shit together even while everyone else is falling apart and panicking. If you don’t, no one will (and then we’re all fucked). I know it’s not your typical role, you wild thing, but I still think you’re the one for the job. Prove me right.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Set up some surprises for yourself. For months now, you’ve been chronically underestimating one or two important people in your life. Or perhaps it’s not that your evaluations were incorrect, it’s just they were only mostly correct. In other words, you were probably right in guessing that they’d have said “no” to some of your pressing questions or suggestions back whenever you first conceived them. But that’s not necessarily so now. People do change. An eager “yes” is lurking behind more than one pair of lips, just waiting for a second chance. Be sure to provide it: Ask again.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

The curse of your innate facility for multiple perspectives is that one of them is invariably negative and depressing. When viewed through this particular filter, your reflection can disgust you. What’s especially fucked up is that the world is all too willing to validate this internal naysayer by agreeing: “Yeah, you do suck!” It’s tricky, but you have to learn to ignore the “evidence.” Nothing’s that simple and black-and-white. You’re neither saint nor demon, but somewhere in between. Your inner critic will have an especially loud mouth this week. Don’t engage with that shit by agreeing or disagreeing. It’s a little right and a little wrong, and not at all worth listening to.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Four-year-olds are a blast to be around. Their worlds are relatively simple. In other words, when things go wrong for a preschooler, it’s usually pretty easy to make everything OK. You remind me of them a little lately—only not so uncomplicated. There’s a part of you seeking someone who can make your world OK, who you imagine can effortlessly smooth your problems away because they’re richer, smarter, bigger, or wiser than you. Unfortunately, that person is mythological; he or she doesn’t exist. As long as you keep hoping and expecting that your lover (or potential lover) will fill that role for you—or implode trying—you’ll never be satisfied, and neither of you will be happy. It’s an unreasonable expectation. Let it go.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

If I were you, I’d spend the whole week in bed. It’s not that anything will happen to you out in the real world that’s particularly bad, just nothing nearly as good as what can happen between the sheets. I wish this were about getting laid, but it’s more about getting broadband access to your subconscious and retrieving the backlog of messages stored there. Dream. Catch up on lost sleep and then some this week. Put in some good REM time. If you do, when you eventually emerge from your hibernation next week, I expect you to be a different—hopefully more insightful—person.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

It’s simply a trick of perspective. You know, like the low-tech effects in Lord of the Rings? They spaced out actors and objects in such a way that little things appeared big or vice versa. What you’ve actually got in front of you is one relatively tiny problem or concern and one much more important one, only you’ve been giving them equal weight in your head because they look about the same to you. Not so. It’s a metaphorical trompe l’oeil. Get some perspective—a viewpoint that’s radically different from your current one. Figure out what’s really important and what’s just petty bullshit, so you can give each matter its proper due.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Be a surfer this week. You don’t just ride one wave and call it a day. You surf it as far as it’ll take you, then paddle back out, gamely seeking the next promising swell. What you’ve been doing lately is akin to giving up because the experience wasn’t perfect; it’s like falling off the wave and, instead of setting yourself up for more, drifting aimlessly, cursing your fate, and eying the distant shore with bitter longing. So things didn’t work out how you (unrealistically) expected. Get back out there. Until you do, you’re missing out on some good times. When the next perfect breaker surges by, make sure you’re ready to hop on.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Did you notice? I managed to skip my traditional Valentine’s Day bashing last week. Like most people, I despise that holiday, even when I’m happily ensconced in couplehood. It’s so lame and artificial and obviously designed to get people to spend money on useless, ridiculous crap. Hopefully you didn’t succumb to it—or hate yourself too much if you did. Anyway, there are more layers of artificiality for you to pierce, conquer, and destroy, especially this week. Tear through all the crepe paper and sugary coatings and get to the meaty, juicy, messy stuff underneath. That’s where the real fun lies, not in heart-shaped boxes of bonbons.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

You’re about to enter the ring against the most brutal, vicious, and grotesquely large opponent you’ve ever faced. What’s more, you’re blindfolded, hobbled, and naked—whereas he’s wearing armor and is relatively unencumbered. Wishing you luck on this foolhardy venture would just be mean. However, I’m happy to report that you don’t need it. Every giant has his Achilles’ heel, and you know exactly where this one’s is. Just be careful: Don’t fall into the trap of trying to play the same game he is. You’d just plain lose. Stick to your strategy, don’t pull any punches, and get in and out quick. If it’s over before you know it, you’ll have won. If you give yourself time to think, you’re fucked.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

What you’re doing now—for whatever reason— is like taking a polite, dainty sip when you’re practically dying of dehydration. Slake your thirst. No one’s stopping you, except yourself, and for no good reason. There’s plenty more of whatever it is you need. Don’t let frugality, modesty, or prudence keep you from getting the stuff you desire. Anyone else who might have a say in the matter is giving you the green light, so that’s not a factor. Drop whatever it is that’s holding you back from helping yourself, and do just that: Help yourself, generously.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

This week I wave in your direction the weary cliché: If you don’t learn from your history, you’re doomed to repeat it. Maybe you need to, sadly. But I think there’s a chance you could actually skip reviewing this lesson. Yes, this scenario—that looks shockingly similar to one you experienced a few years back—is actually that same exact thing. You’ve been deluding yourself that this time might be different. It won’t. Stop telling yourself fairy tales, no matter how enchanting they are. Or, if you absolutely insist, go through it again. It’s your choice.