The Supreme Court says I can legally have anal sex in Texas now, and I’m just elated. Last week’s landmark 6-3 decision that declared sodomy laws unconstitutional opens the door to the ravishing of America that gays have been planning for years. Of course, Justice Scalia is on to ushe says “the Court has largely signed on to the so-called homosexual agenda“but his dissent is weak. The world is obviously ours to plunder; it’s a free ride from here on out.
Naturally, we’re demanding a complete overhaul of network programming. These TV people need to be told that the balance of power has shifted. After a noon-ish bit of cornholing on a family lawn in Fort Worth, a bunch of us are going to fly back to L.A. and tell CBS that there’ll be hell to pay if we don’t see The King of Queens live up to its title, and fast. And while they’re at it, it’s about time that everybody really does love Raymond.
Next, obviously, we must get to the children. If there’s anything this new ruling makes clear, it’s that sex with children is going to be the highlight of every White Party from Palm Springs to South Beach. Pee Wee Herman and I were tossing back some Zima just the other day and discussing the intoxicating freedom of it all. I said that I, for one, am going to proudly re-hang my vintage portrait of Emmanuel Lewis in a thong. Pee Wee could barely pay attentionall he could think about was sipping margaritas with that kid from Jerry Maguire. It’s also in the works to indoctrinate the cast of ZOOM, because the precocious ones who create games out of pieces of yarn and Styrofoam cups are the easiest targets. I figure this won’t take long; these kids work in television, so God knows they’re probably already doing Ecstasy and thumbing through InStyle to find out what toner Demi Moore is currently using.
The institution of marriage is definitely in our sights, too. We’re going to knock it right down off its pedestal. This is a tougher challenge, admittedly, since it means devaluing a sacred, inviolate, seemingly indestructible tradition. We’ve long had our double agents, though: Cher and Elizabeth Taylor have been picking up weekly paychecks for decades now, and you don’t really think Jennifer Lopez came from out of nowhere, do you? I myself plan to be married as soon as possible, preferably to a crafty 12-year-old who has a real way with 1040As.
It won’t be long before the nation’s capital falls to its knees. Those D.C. boys are a bunch of quivering Nellies, anyway, so I don’t foresee any difficulties in completely taking over. We’ve already sent off what we’re assuming will be an efficient wake-up call: Even as we speak, senators and representatives are reaching into their mailboxes to find a stern warning on homemade stationery and a copy of Deliverance.
