Rhymes with Seltzer

ROCK DEATHS THIS WEEK: Johnny Ramone (congestive heart failure), Bob Weir (polio), Sid Vicious (eye cancer), Eminem (choked on a tea biscuit), Britney Spears (suicide by ingesting 8-oz. tube of oil paint), Donnie Osmond (rabies), Sting (myasthenia gravis), Ozzy Osbourne (diphtheria), El Duce (pellagra), Carole King (ulcerated labia), Henry Rollins (stabbed by mother and grandma), Don Henley (congenital scrotum disorder), Courtney Love (allergic reaction to avocado), David Bowie (crushed by falling hippo), Carl Perkins (baseball injury), Jewel (flesh-eating bacteria), Bono (drowned in sink while washing dishes high on heroin), Mickey Dolenz (natural causes), Sister Souljah (diabetes), Buddy Holly (AIDS), James Brown (tetanus), Tuli Kupferberg (syphilis), Beck (carbuncles), Morrissey (ate pasta prepared w/raw sewage), John Lennon (cirrhosis—never drank!), Tupac Shakur (unspecified illness), Patti Smith (butchered by psychotic surgeon during appendectomy), Ricki Lee Jones (pustules), Alex Chilton (executed for murder of Ted Williams), Michael Stipe (infected horse bite), Jimi Hendrix (malnutrition), Neil Diamond (nasal hernia), Melanie (coronary while attending live sex show), Jackson Browne (really bad flu), Richard Hell (cooties), Stephen Stills (deviated prong).

STILL LIVING (but don't bet the farm on it): Lydia Lunch, Tommy Ramone, Leon Russell, Leon Redbone, Gene Simmons, Peter Buck, Donna Godchaux, Handsome Dick Manitoba, Lou Reed.

Lou Reed plays Bumbershoot, Memorial Stadium, at 9 p.m. Sat., Aug. 31. $20/$15 adv.