IN THE SPIRIT of bipartisanship, Gore- and Nader-voting Western Washington residents had better prepare for some Texas-sized changes. There’s a new wind blowing from DC, and we can expect to see the following policies in the coming four years:
Supertankers in Elliott Bay: Get those damn sailboats and sight-seeing ships out of the way! We’ve got oil to unload. Double-hulls? Never heard of ’em. These waters have been deeeeregulated!
Zoning: Who needs it? Get rid of the damn thing! Houston will be our new civic model. We’ll have skyscrapers in Laurelhurst, strip malls in Medina, skeet shooting ranges downtown, and oil derricks on Lake Washington.
Gun Control: Over! Bring your shootin’ rod to church, schools, shops, and fine restaurants. Don’t bother concealing your weapon—show it with pride!
Education: The Ebonics debate will look like a political softball once “Dubyonics” revamps curricula statewide. When, on Thanksgiving, your child bursts into a “historithal solilobus” about “Indexicans and Pilgrians,” you’ll know who the reformer with results is. Additionally, students with dyslexia will be given special consideration because the president with plight sympathizes their.
Law Enforcement: Our beloved bike cops go the way of the 8-track player in favor of mounted, mustachioed Texas Rangers. Shoplifters will be strung up from the nearest tree, and panhandlers should leave the city before sundown or else!
Election Reform: Western Washington has too much power, and Eastern Washington too little. From now on, residents of the former region will be forced to vote on ballots printed in Esperanto to ensure fairer representation.
The Environment: The doctrine of equal rights requires that snowmobiles, dirt bikes, ATVs, and 4x4s be allowed on hiking trails and in our national parks. Out of the way, tree hugger! Also, with Slade Gorton as Secretary of the Interior, anticipate cyanide-leach gold mines in your backyard.
Culture: Forget vegan—we’re going to become a state of red meat-eating barbecue fanatics. Shoot first, grill after! Cowboy boots will replace Birkenstocks as the Fremont Rodeo celebrates its inaugural year. Wicca enthusiasts will convert to Baptism, as God intended. You want same-sex marriage? Move to Canada!
Health Care: Surprisingly, there will be no cutbacks at all. In fact, Medic One will be expanded so dramatically that the heart attack response time will be under three minutes in all parts of Seattle. You never know when Dick Cheney will come to town.
