What with Bush not standing up for the Catholics, McCain dissing Robertson and Falwell, and everybody taking shots at Farrakhan, we just want to remind you that every one of those guys thinks the Jews are going to hell. . . . Hard to believe that Joerg Haider stepped down just because of a little political pressure. It must’ve been Gavin Rossdale’s recitation of the Hamotzi that did it. . . . Were Kathie Lee’s jugs always that big? . . . Have you seen the Battlefield Earth poster yet, the one with evil, bearded Travolta plotting world domination through a really, really goofy series of sci-fi novels and pseudophilosophies? We’d like to discuss this further, but we’re afraid the Scientologists will come and put a snake in our mailbox. . . . With most of our jocks running around town with guns, knives, and black Lincoln Navigators, hearing about Darryl Strawberry’s charlie problem really gives us a warm, fuzzy nostalgic feeling. The game was so much simpler in our day. . . .
Jude Law as Spiderman? Has Stan Lee been consulted? C’mon! Peter Parker was not a poncey English guy with a big giant shlong. Though talk about your web shooter! . . . Next they’ll cast Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones! What, Camryn Manheim can’t do a British accent? Rosie O’Donnell was busy? Hell, we bet Kate Winslet thought she had this one locked up. Anyway, we’re opposed to cross-accent casting. Take Oscar nom Michael Caine. Look, there’s a reason he’s had a 40-year career without ever doing an American accent—and judging by the Cider House Rules trailer, he still hasn’t! Quite frankly we’re amazed that Mikey took the part at all, considering that they filmed it someplace cold and it required him to actually act. The bottom line is, going through a lot of trouble to pronounce the letter “R” does not make you American. Adam Sandler makes a more convincing Cajun than Tim Roth in his Oldmanesque generic American mode. And are we the only ones who think it’s wrong to hire Robert Carlyle and Emily Watson for Angela’s Ashes? We really doubt that Frank McCourt’s parents were Scottish. Ach! Exceptions to this rule: Cate Blanchett, because she pulls it off, and Kate Beckinsale, ’cause as far as we’re concerned she can do anything she wants.
A great many celebs have passed of late, but we would like to bid farewell to respected Beverly Hills cardiologist Dr. John Martin. He is survived by his wife, Felice, and two daughters, Donna and Gina. . . . Look, if the menu says hash browns, we want hash browns. If it says home fries, we want home fries. They are not the same thing. This mistake never gets made at the Waffle House, that’s for friggin’ sure. . . .
We wanted to point out that Malcolm in the Middle really sucks, but nobody cares anymore, right? . . . Women we’re digging: that Camille from 90210. She reminds us of the chick that Dawson almost had sex with, y’know, Jen’s half-sister. On a less glamorous note, Kelly Law, skip of BC’s #1 women’s curling club, surprise winners of the Scott Tournament of Hearts Championship. Good luck in Glasgow, eh! Also Jules, the lovely and vivacious Aussie scalp masseuse in Whistler. . . .
We always thought Patricia Arquette and Nicolas Cage were built to last, but come to think of it, five years is pretty good for a Hollywood marriage. We’re thinking that Nic finally saw Holy Matrimony or maybe Patti ran away with Sean Penn ’cause she wants to be with an “actor” rather than an entertainer. Anyway, Nic is pretty happy now because he was tired of accepting all those collect calls from his irritating brother-in-law Alexis. Y’know, if he’d just listened to David, he could have saved them a buck or two. . . .
The Culture Bunker, Seattle Weekly‘s new pop culture column, will appear in this space every other week as long as celebrities act foolishly.
