Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Do you think up the witty names at the end of the questions?

Just Paul

Dear Just Paul,

Would that be just, Paul? 😉

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Say you’re sitting on the bus, minding your own business, when the super-creepy-looking guy sitting across from you whips out a huge drawing board and starts obviously drawing you.

In my opinion, there are three ways to respond to this situation: Pretend you don’t notice and gaze off into the distance; ask why he’s drawing you; or tell him to stop drawing you. Which is appropriate?

Say the guy looks like he’s mentally disabled, and you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but his bizarre behavior is making you uncomfortable. Say the bus is packed and you can’t simply move to another seat.

Becky, Ballard

Dear Becky, Ballard,

Would that be just, Paul? Ha ha ha! Sorry, sometimes the mail I get is so darn crazy I don’t even know what to say, in which case I think I’m entitled to a little bit of fun. Anyway, my answer to you, Becky, is move to another seat. Oh wait, you took that off the table at the last minute. You also added the bit about the mental disability. Is this a setup? Madam, if it wasn’t for the sterling reputation of this establishment, I’d be tempted to think that this here game was rigged. All available options on the wheel seem equally unpleasant. But sometimes what the table needs is a bump of the hip to get the ball to fall into the slot of an option heretofore unnoticed.

In your case, it’s an option that will stop the artist across the aisle without hurting his feelings. You don’t even have to talk to him. Just start bobbing your head to make it harder to draw you. If he starts bobbing along to create a state of relative stillness between your heads, initiate more advanced evasive maneuvers. Alternate shaking and nodding motions while mouthing the alphabet and blinking. Throw in a grimace or shrug at irregular intervals. When you arrive at your stop, bob and weave your way to the door, squinting and making a bubble-blowing fish face to keep him from getting a clear look at you.

A lot of work? Maybe so, but in framing the question the way you did, you bought both the casino and its crooked wheel, too.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

I know you’ve skirted a similar issue before, but this question demands a different answer.

It’s cold outside, so I wear layers on my 20-minute walk to a show. The show is sold out and it’s really toasty inside. There’s no coat check. I stuff my stocking cap and gloves into the pocket of my fleece and tie it around my waist.

Normally I’m comfortable being different, but when someone beside me who may or may not be Ben Gibbard keeps giving me, not necessarily the stink-eye, but the “fashion no-no” look, I notice that everyone else is holding their jackets draped over their arms.

I’m speculating that holding jackets is a good excuse to refrain from dancing, since this happened to be a non-dancing crowd, as most are in Seattle, not that I’m big on dancing anyways. Maybe the looks were more inquisitive in nature than accusatory? Like they’re saying “Hmmm. That man has freed both of his hands by skirting his coat around his waist, yet he’s still not dancing”?

Should I do something different next time, or try to ignore the stares and focus on enjoying the music onstage rather than being so overly mindful of those with whom I am in closer-than-normal proximity?

Thanks for your insight.

Phriendlyfreak

Dear P-Freak,

What a lot you have on your mind, P-Freak! What wild streams of paralyzing analysis block escape from the corner of self-consciousness you’ve backed yourself into! Your thoughts racing, your mouth dry, you scan the crowd warily, attempting in vain to decode the silent insults you imagine are directed at you from every dark corner. A crowd of strangers has morphed into a mob arrayed against you in silent judgment. They’re messing with your mind in some way, but how?

By the way, you don’t mind if I call you P-Freak, do you, P-Freak? I’m not trying to make you feel weird or anything, P-Freak. And you’re liable to feel even less weird if you remember that in social situations, alcohol is usually a better choice than marijuana. I’m certainly not one to condemn use of the latter, but it tends to be better suited for movies and solitary walks.

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