From OhioaE¦ The Diebold Machine. In 2004, the Diebold swing vote broke late for incumbent George W. Bush. If Diebold canaE™t erase ObamaaE™s 1.5-point edge, no one can. Advantage: McCain

From IowaaE¦ The FarmeraE™s Daughter. You know those dames who faint at Obama rallies? Every single one was a farmeraE™s daughter. Every. Single. One. Advantage: Obama.

From MichiganaE¦ The Recently Laid Off Plant Worker Optimistic Enough to Vote. The recession has been especially merciless to the Rust Belt and Motown. The Recently Laid Off Plant Worker Optimistic Enough to Vote is a rare animal, but is ferociously thirsty for change (both kinds). Advantage: Obama.

From VirginiaaE¦ The Housewife with a Master’s Degree. As Northern Virginia’s demographics change, the state becomes increasingly purple. Advantage: McCain, but trending Obama.

Antonin Scalia aka the Fixer: Not a state, but definitely a state of mind. In case you need another elections stolen, the group-sex-backing Supreme has something sleazy beneath the robe. Other than the obvious. Advantage: McCain.

From MissouriaE¦ The Jaded Centrist. Missourians are notorious for their put-up-or-shut-up philosophy, hence MissouriaE™s nickname as the Show-Me State. Consequently, voters here respond well to aEœsubstance,aE no matter how dangerous the substance in question might be to the country/world. Advantage: McCain

From ArkansasaE¦ The Disgruntled Quasi-Bigot. Historically, a small yet politically active core of quasi-bigots has made Arkansas a reliable red state. A waning economy might change that, as McCain represents a continuation of BushaE™s doomed economic policies (see Michigan). Having said that, Obama is reportedly half-black. Advantage: McCain.

From FloridaaE¦ The Elderly Migrant: Floridians are old. Their black people have been wiped off the voting rolls, sometimes even legitimately. McCain is old. Obama is black. Advantage: McCain.

From New HampshireaE¦ The Teetering Contrarian. In the sea of blue states that is New England, one state mulishly harbors a conservative streak, thanks to its high concentration of Teetering Contrarians. With a motto like aEœLive Free or Die,aE it has to be judicious. Or batshit. Advantage: Bob Barr

From NevadaaE¦ The Recent Transplant: Native Nevadans are about as rare as hen’s teeth. Something like 99% have moved there in the last ten years. Which means that you’re really looking for what expat New Yorkers, Michiganders, and Ohians think. Ones that feel very lucky. Ones that gambled on their water supply and economy. What can we say? ItaE™s a crapshoot. Advantage: push

From WisconsinaE¦ The Affable Cheesehead. Every Twin Cities resident has a token friend from Wisconsin. We all know that the Affable Cheesehead will follow our lead. Advantage: Obama

From IndianaaE¦ The Bland Everyman. Never one to rock the boat, the Bland Everyman has avoided explicitly throwing his/her weight behind any one candidateaE”aE˜cause that would be rudeaE”opting instead to aEœsee how it all plays out.aE Come crunch time, the Bland Everyman usually goes with the current. In other words, Indiana will likely go the same route as Illinois. Advantage: Obama.

From New MexicoaE¦ The Sun-Baked Lizard: Granted, sun-baked lizards represent McCainaE™s core constituency. But in the weeks since Hillary ClintonaE™s departure, the Obama camp has made significant inroads into the reptilian demographic, particularly amongst Crocodilia and theologians. Advantage: Obama.