Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Oh my God, could you be any more annoying? What makes you think you’re so smart anyway?

Dirk

Dear Dirk,

There can be a dark side to spiritual authorities, be they priests, therapists, workshop facilitators, or colon-cleanse coordinators. Globally aware people know that one’s spiritual life is ultimately a do-it-yourself project. Though I would be happy to lend you my tools. That’s sort of the point here, isn’t it?

Sorry, I guess that was sort of rude of me to flash my tools so directly in your face. I really don’t consider myself some kind of spiritual authority, if that’s the gist of your question. If my silly words are useful in some small way to someone out there as nutty as me, then sure, I rejoice. But as far as actually being a teacher, some kind of rabbi, well, I’m just not prepared to go there. That’s what rabbi means, by the way, “teacher.” Whoa, I guess I just taught something right now! Still, I would discourage anyone from actually addressing me as “rabbi,” “yogi,” “master,” or “sensei.”

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

My friend told me this story. She’s sitting next to some guy on the bus. She’s got the window seat, he’s got the aisle. She makes a move to get up, but instead of moving, the guy tries to start a conversation. Is she getting off at the next stop? Well, he’s getting off at that stop, too, so she might as well wait and they can get up at the same time. Did she work in the neighborhood? My friend had to practically pummel the guy to get him out of the way. Was she overreacting?

Southside Sue

Dear Sue,

The rules governing riding the bus are clearer in some cases than in others. What, for example, are the rights of people forced to stand when the bus is full? The heart of their dilemma is not discomfort but lack of sovereignty. Get a seat and it’s yours for the duration of the ride, but standers are expected to keep moving, a band of dirty hobos pushed ever farther toward the back of the bus. Observe how they look around uneasily when the driver instructs them to move back yet again. Are they in full compliance? Have they moved back as far as possible? If there’s any room behind them, they must immediately surrender their current handhold and stagger to the next available length of railing or hand strap. But what if a stander finds a refuge outside the flow of traffic, such as on the steps of the rear door? Can the stander lay claim to the space, or must they continue to be shooed along with the rest of the herd?

Do I pretend to have an answer? No, I don’t. Why did I bring it up at all? Because the case you describe, by contrast, couldn’t be more clear. It’s the most immutable passage in the entire unwritten law book: “When a person by the window indicates they want to get up, the person on the aisle must immediately let them.” Indeed, the slightest delay verges on unlawful imprisonment. You as the aisle person must be sensitive to the slightest rustling. If a window person so much as tightens their grip on their backpack, you must lean forward to signal a willingness to spring to your feet if this turns out to mean they want to get up. But don’t get up too early. You don’t want to make the window-side sitter get up before they actually want to. Find the rhythm of their movements. Make yourself a puppet of their needs. If you manage to step aside with smooth courtesy at precisely the right moment, you may even be rewarded with a pursed-lipped little smile of thanks from the window-side person.

I’m not saying you yourself need to be a better aisle person, Sue. I’m saying that friend of yours would have been well within her rights to pummel that guy who wouldn’t let her out.

Confidential to one of my fellow tai chi practitioners: The weather these days has often been sunny and therefore suitable for practicing in public places. But just so you know, the spot under this tree is pretty much mine. Pretty much exclusively. I’ve been coming here at least once a week for the past five months. Seriously, if there’s more than one of us in the park, it ruins the whole “solitary seeker” thing for everyone, OK? No, I don’t care to settle it with a “slow-off.” I guarantee that won’t end well for you. It’s with a genuine sense of compassion that I urge you to back down, brother. I can and will go the full sparrow’s-tail-grasping freeze-frame on you. I’m talking about a hibernational level here. Nothing but a complete Wu Ji circle of nothingness in my eyes. Please stop trying to distract me by waving your hands around and performing the moonwalk. That’s very disrespectful to both myself and the entire Eastern tradition. Not to mention just plain childish. Go ahead and take it down to Freeway Park. That’s a more suitable area for someone at your level.

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