In every country from Greece to Pakistan adult men wear flourishing moustaches as soon as they are able and until they die, just as they are expected to wear pants, and many of the worldaE™s religions consider the beard an obligation for the observant men. Unfortunately this association with fundamentalism has discredited the beard over the years, so that clean-shaven faces have come to represent modernity and beards, by extension, to signify archaic and traditional ways.

In every country from Greece to Pakistan adult men wear flourishing moustaches as soon as they are able and until they die, just as they are expected to wear pants, and many of the worldaE™s religions consider the beard an obligation for the observant men. Unfortunately this association with fundamentalism has discredited the beard over the years, so that clean-shaven faces have come to represent modernity and beards, by extension, to signify archaic and traditional ways.

I used to surreptitiously examine older menaE™s beards in the hopes of divining their secrets, but had to be very careful not to get caught staring too intently, especially in my old Pike/Pine neighborhood around the corner from the old Spar, where altogether too many men would have been HAPPY to show me how they trimmed their beards.

Eventually, through a process of trial and error in which I regularly snipped off half of my moustache while ill-advisedly trying to groom late at night while drunk, I learned some of the age-old secrets which I now humbly offer to the next generation of beard-wearers struggling to find their beard identity.

Do not listen to women who say they don’t like beards. They are expressing the ancient female art of domesticating men by shaving and perfuming them, and if you succumb to their cajoling then they won’t stop with your beard. If your girlfriend threatens to break up with you if you grow a beard, I challenge you to test her resolve.

Do not over-trim your beard. This is a common mistake and not just confined to young men. George Lukas over-trims his beard in the common misapprehension that it will reinforce his jaw-line, when in actual fact the opposite is true. His beard ends up looking like a chin-strap on a football helmet. Your beard should properly end somewhere around the place where your face hits your neck, and if your face goes all the way down to your chest then your beard should too.

Another form of over-trimming common to young men is the douchey pencil beard, like the one on the aEœtoughaE runt from the Backstreet Boys. These beards look like someone smeared ink on the top of your bong. They wonaE™t camouflage a weak chin and they wonaE™t make you look like a player if youaE™re not a player. Any beard that requires more fastidious plucking than a Brazilian wax is generally going to send the message that you wish youaE™d been born a girl.

The majority of trimming can be accomplished with a small pair of scissors. The trick, just like cutting hair, is to keep the scissors on the same plane as your face. Never trim your mustache along the line of your top lip, instead turn the scissors so the blades cut up and down, then trim across your beard like youaE™re trimming a hedge. To thin out a too-thick pelt, simply run your disposable razor lightly over the surface of your wet beard.

Hopefully these hints will aid you in the care and maintenance of your beard. As our generation grows older I hope to see some Martin Van Burens…

…William Howard Tafts…

…and Walt Whitmans distinguish themselves in the public sphere, until itaE™s once again safe for a bearded man to run for the office of President of the United States. Until that time, I and my beard will remain vigilant.