Weekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Imagine you have incredibly impressive superpowers that only work when no one is looking. You can fly at supersonic speeds, but the second someone lays eyes on you, you drop like a stone, as if that’s what you’ve been doing all along. Your ability to manipulate objects with the power of your mind vanishes whenever you try to show someone the cool things you know how to do. These scenarios are very much like the frustrating quandary you’re in; the very act of observation changes what you’re capable of. Therefore, you need to give up all hope of impressing anyone­—except yourself. Be your own hero, and stop being concerned whether anyone else ever sees.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

There’s no point in keeping track of the various reversals of fortune you’re doomed to suffer (or benefit from) this week. You’re just the ball in some kind of cosmic Ping-Pong match; there’s no predicting how many volleys you’ll endure before you go flying off the table. The only strategy that makes sense is not becoming attached to any particular outcome, good or bad, but instead relishing the movement, the change. That’s not to say you can’t steer yourself toward winning the match and coming out ahead by a few points. They simply might not be the points you expected would go your way.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

I lost my voice this week, and my mind couldn’t help but repeatedly turn to you, Gemini, and what you’d do. You are often needlessly verbal but you also (more than most people) depend on your ability to communicate out loud, to speak your mind, so losing your voice really cuts into your effectiveness. If you can’t ask for, demand, or describe what it is you want (or don’t want), how are you supposed to get (or avoid) it? Well, that’s your challenge this week, because your words are less than half as effective as usual, so you’ll need to compensate with other methods of communication, acquisition, or accomplishment.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Be careful. You’re more likely than usual to be swayed by a pretty face (or ass) this week, and project some really amazing stuff onto it that just ain’t there. It’s not fair to always (or even usually) treat people this way, but to be on the safe side, wait till people prove themselves before you endow them with the qualities you wish they had. In other words, if you’re going to make any assumptions, assume anyone you encounter is totally wrong for you until you get actual, tangible evidence to the contrary. Once you do, by all means, full speed ahead.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

The mice in my apartment have, apparently, gained Matrix-like abilities to bend reality or slow down time. They consistently thwart traps designed to capture them. I picture them running along vertical surfaces, like geckos, leaping obstacles one hundred times their height, and surviving plummets that would pulverize ordinary rodents. I’m at a loss as to what further steps I can take against them, short of the glue traps (and personally orchestrated frying pan murders) they’d be unable to evade. You’re backed up against the same wall. Your problem won’t respond to safe, inoffensive solutions. You have to whip out the big guns you’d hoped to avoid, or decide, once and for all, whether it might be better to just live with your trouble, rather than kill it.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

You’re parallel parking your life. The space is a bit tight, but the location is perfect. You just have to be patient and ease it in, little by little. Don’t give up due to your notorious impatience. If you park it around the corner, it’ll end up getting broken into and stolen; you’re on the edge of a bad neighborhood here. Don’t risk screwing things up when you’ve lined up so many variables in just the right way. Take your time now, and keep your life in plain sight so it won’t get driven away when you’re not looking.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Oh, honey. It’s already the Libra Full Moon and you have nothing to wear. Well, whatever. This lesson is about not building things up too much ahead of time. For instance, your wedding day doesn’t have to be the best day of your life, contrary to popular cultural programming, your birthday party needn’t to be the most fun you’ve ever had, your first date with the love of your life doesn’t need to be perfect, and your anniversary shouldn’t require mind-blowing sex. This week, let things be what they are instead of expecting them to be things they’re not (and consequently being disappointed).

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Resist the urge to punish people for their mistakes (something you’re rarely inclined to do, anyway, having made plenty of your own), but even more importantly, abstain from trying to fix their lives for them. Sometimes you’re better at making things all OK for everyone around you then you are at digging yourself out of your own morass. So you generously donate tons of time and energy to saving people from themselves, only to return home to miserable, seemingly unsolvable quandaries and emotional squalor. This week, at least, don’t make anyone else’s bed but your own, unless they’re going to let you move in and lie in it, too.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Although you Sags have notoriously long fuses and laid-back attitudes, when your tempers flare, they burn white-hot. You end up saying things you shouldn’t. In this case, if you go there, you’re likely to spoil your carefully calibrated plans for expansion (whether they’re for your business, your house, or your sex life, I don’t know), and they’ll end up falling over like so many exploding dominoes. It’ll be so dramatic you won’t even have an opportunity to pick up the pieces and start setting them up again. You’ll have to move to a whole new state and start from scratch. Since losing your cool this week and blowing up at anyone could screw up virtually everything, diligently avoid any situations that might stress you out to that degree.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

Relish the little rituals this week. Pretend your life is a fancy sushi restaurant, and get really into taking your shoes off at the door, the hot steamy hand towels, prepping your chopsticks, savoring the visual elegance of your meal. The little things that help you be present are your true allies in the weeks to come, because the more you can actually embody the moment (the more there you can be), the more you’ll get out of it, give to it, and learn from it. In other words, pay attention to the tiniest details instead of the big picture and you’ll have a win-win-win situation on your hands.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Here it is, your Golden Globe. Heck, have an Oscar while you’re at it. You deserve some kind of credit for acting of that caliber, especially because it’s doing you no actual good otherwise. Might as well have a trophy on your mantel, since your emotive magic has wrought little else in your favor. Why not try being real, even if it’s boring? It’s trickier than you think, especially lately, when you have that relentless inner voice constantly dictating how you “should” be in any given situation. Only you know what’s appropriate for you in the kinds of stressful circumstances you’re in. Be true to that, no matter how weird it seems, and you’ll be just fine.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Your ability to sail (sometimes without noticing) between reality and fantasy and back again could come in handy this week, and in the weeks to come. In fact, the less you pay attention to the distinctions between the two worlds, the less likely those distinctions will actually matter. In other words, you have the power to make at least some of the bad stuff that’s supposedly happening in “real life” fade away like a bad dream, and to make most of the amazing stuff happening in your head turn out to be just plain real after all. Go for it.


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