Weekly Horoscopes

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Slow down, you maniac. You’re not a race-car driver careening around corners, protected by years of training, safety equipment, and a gravel trap to slow you down if you skid off the track. Your breakneck speeds might be thrilling, but they’re also reckless, and pointless besides. This isn’t a race. You’ll get to where you’re going—assuming you don’t wipe out and crash (dragging half the other drivers off the road along with you). To avoid that horribly unpleasant (and completely unnecessary) eventuality, gently put your foot on the brake. Turn on your stereo, crack a window, appreciate the scenery, and just enjoy the ride.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Pisceans can fall into a trap of self-distrust. Because you’re usually of two (or three, or five) minds about virtually everything, it can be incredibly difficult to figure out just what to do. Unfortunately, this is part of your very nature (your sign’s symbol is two fish, tethered together, swimming in opposite directions). It’s a strength to see things from so many different angles, but it can also lead to inaction or inability to commit. Don’t let that happen to you. You may never be 100 percent about something, but I think if you poll your heart, gut, and mind, you should be able to form an internal consensus and actually choose something (or someone). Don’t wait for the moment when everything clicks, because it may never come. Instead, hold out for the instant when most things click, and go for it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

When you’re stuck in quicksand, don’t thrash around or panic. Fidgeting and trying to get free will only facilitate your suctioned descent into muck. Instead, lie still and float—and holler for rescue. If help isn’t forthcoming (which it may not be), don’t flip out. You can get yourself out of the mess—you just have to be patient. Move slowly and carefully against the viscosity of the trap. This week, flailing is your worst option (followed by shitting your pants, freaking out, or even just worrying). Relax and go as slowly as you possibly can, and you’ll float effortlessly free of your sticky situation. Struggle and you’ll sink like a stone.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sometimes fantasies are easy to make happen. The best ones, in your book, are also the least complicated: Spending a night wrapped in the arms of the one you love is far more enjoyable and achievable than some other signs’ more ambitious and elaborate dreams. Keeping it simple is just exactly the way to maintain happiness this week. No need for convoluted plans of action. Definitely don’t overthink your situation or draft elaborate scenarios for how to improve upon it. You’ll please yourself (and everyone around you) best by simply doing what feels right.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Sarcasm will get you nowhere (since those you’re forced to deal with this week are liable to just take you seriously). Neither will flattery, however, because it’s bound to come off (despite the actual intentions behind it) as insincere and manipulative. In other words, quiet earnestness, as boring as that may be, is your best ticket to clear communication for now, and anything that involves layers of meaning or innuendo will simply backfire. So chill out, prankster. We all know you’re witty and clever. But now we want to know: Just how real and uncomplicated can you be?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You’ve got lovely bones. I’m referring to the solid underpinnings of your emotional world, which is based in all that’s beautiful, true, and honest about human connection. Unfortunately, they’ve been partially obscured by fatty feelings, emotional cellulite you’ve acquired through crappy circumstance and occasional foul treatment, as a kind of buffer. But there’s no need for that layer of spiritual blubber anymore. You’re quick and smart enough to dodge the few karmic missiles still aimed in your direction. So go on an emotional diet, starting this week: Eat your words before you say them, if you discover they’re coming from a place of fear or self-protection. If that leaves you feeling exposed and vulnerable, you’ve done the right thing. For the wonderful something coming your way, you want to be as naked and open and receptive as it’s possible to be.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The rubble from the avalanche that buried you months ago is finally shifting. You haven’t managed to climb clear yet, but at least you’ve been able to move. That must feel amazing, after being just plain stuck for so long. There’s light, air, and the promise of imminent freedom, finally. Start digging yourself out, of course, Leo, but be careful. Scrambling heedlessly willy-nilly could trigger another avalanche that will leave you buried worse than before. There’s no need for fear, overthinking, or glacially slow movement. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and take your time.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You hate things hanging over your head. I’m not talking mistletoe here; I’m referring to urgent, unfinished tasks. In fact, having one of these specters haunting you can be nearly incapacitating, until you’ve finally done your duty. Unfortunately, because of the unique vagaries of complicated timing required this week, you are going to have to choose your moments carefully and act when a window of opportunity appears, regardless of what else you’re trying to finish that minute. In other words, you might as well get used to doing one thing while you’ve got three other half- finished things lurking in the background of your mind. If you don’t, I can guarantee: You’ll end the week without finishing a single one of them.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You asked for it. “Go ahead,” you dared your critics. “Dish it out. I can take it.” And you can, as it turns out. But it still sucks to be receiving verbal rundowns of your flaws and failings at every turn. It almost makes it impossible to aspire to actual self-improvement, because you’re so busy weathering storms of scathing censure. Still, you might as well batten down your emotional hatches and let your detractors get it out of their systems. Once they do, and you’re still not just standing but soaring, they won’t be able to help being impressed.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen—or caused. That’s right, except me; I’m onto you. I know that only about half the shit you’re responsible for actually gets credited to you. I’ve been conspiring to keep it secret as well, in order to prevent your already tarnished rep from being sullied further. But since at least a couple of your secret coups are about to be oh-so-publicly exposed this week (or maybe next week), I say beat the astrological muckrakers to the punch. Own up to (and simply own) what you’ve done. It’ll take the wind out of their sails and put it right into yours.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

First thoughts are usually your most powerful ones. It’s when you stop to rethink things that they get distracted, distorted, and diluted. That’s why you Sags are almost always at your best when you’re acting from your gut instinct, without much pause for reflection (except in retrospect). Unfortunately, living in a city has taken a lot of the oomph out of your usually tremendous initiative. Banish the phrase “On second thought” from your lexicon. Commit to the wisdom of your subconscious mind this week, and just go with your deepest impulses. It might land you in a little trouble, but it will also ultimately get you closer to your own best (truest) path.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your flawless perspicacity is renowned the world over. There’s one virtue to spending a good chunk of your life as your crowd’s resident wallflower: You have a lot of time to think, analyze, and come up with incredibly astute (and oft hilarious) conclusions. But this week is about action, baby, not observation. You know as well as anyone that unless you’re able to actually use your hard- won knowledge and wisdom, there’s no point in acquiring it. Unfortunately, this week’s window of opportunity is vanishingly slim. Unless you leap on it without hesitation, you’ll miss it.


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