This is the official form for all people at this address. It is quick and easy, and your answers are protected by law. However, incorrect answers are punishable by law and frivolous answers are subject to arrest and/or firebombing by ATF agents.
1. How many people are staying in your house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2000? __
INCLUDE in this number:
foster children, roomers, or housemates
hostages
hostage takers
anyone recently featured on America’s Most Wanted
flesh-eating zombies under the stairs or in the attic
conjoined twins (surgically separated)
DO NOT include in this number:
the people you’re watching on TV
multiple personalities
your pets (including rodents, rabbits, and ferrets)
imaginary friends
the voices in your head
conjoined twins
2. Is this house, apartment, or mobile home—
__owned by you or someone in this household with a mortgage or loan?
__rented?
__stolen?
__purchased with no money down thanks to financial wizard Carlton Sheets?
__equipped with high-wattage mercury-vapor halogen lights and/or crystal meth lab in the basement?
__being used as a squat?
__a college dormitory, freeway overpass, yurt, radical feminist/anarchist collective, or refrigerator box?
3. What is your sex?
__Male __Female __Oprah guest
4. What are you wearing?
5. Is that all?
6. What is your religion?
__Christian
__Jewish
__Muslim
__Wicca/Animist/Pantheist/Occultist/Satanist/Spiritual Work-in-Progress/Self-Worshipper
__Buddhist
If you checked Buddhist, would you like $5,000 to go to the Vice President’s Presidential Campaign Fund?
7. How would you describe your ethnicity?
__White/Honkey/Cracker
__African American/Black/Pitch Black/Oreo
__Hispanic/Latino/Hot ‘n’ Spicy
__American Indian/Native American/Dispossessed
__Extraterrestrial/ Hollow Earth Dweller
__All of the above
__None of the above
__Any of the above, as it suits your mood or that of your online sex buddy
If unable to describe your ethnicity, what’s your favorite ethnic cuisine?____________
8. Of the people enumerated in question 1, how would you describe Person 2? (Person 1 is you.)
__husband/wife/domestic partner
__natural-born son/daughter
__ungrateful and unnatural-born son/daughter
__child raised by wolves who one day appeared at your door
__result of genetic engineering experiment gone horribly wrong
__clone (or clone of clone, or clone of clone of clone)
__brother/sister/hated sibling
__father/mother/strange person always in bathroom
__fat lazy drunken no-good bastard who’s only useful for his/her welfare benefits/disability check each month
__fugitive from justice/escapee from chain gang/D.B. Cooper
__nameless S&M bondage slave
__evil twin
__not-so-evil twin
__doppelg䮧er
__tripleg䮧er
__live-in barista
__the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and JonBenet Ramsey
__Squatch
9. Please explain why you’re still living with your parents.
__codependency
__still grounded for sneaking out to Ozzy Osbourne concert in ’82
__unable to cook or wash own laundry
__poverty
__interviewed poorly at Amazon
__condition of parole
10. How many fingers am I holding up?
__three
__seven
__all of the above
11. Check that your wife/husband/domestic partner isn’t looking, then please specify—
__if you’re sexually unsatisfied
__looking for action
__your favorite adult movies____________
__your phone number___________
__your e-mail address__________
__a good time for us to contact you________________
12. What’s your annual income?_______
13. How would you like to make three times that amount, working as your own boss from the comfort and privacy of your home?
__Yes, please send me information about this unlimited income opportunity
14. Have you ever voted for H. Ross Perot, Lyndon LaRouche, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, George W. Bush, or Lenora Fulani?
__Yes
__No
__I was brainwashed
__It was the ’60s and I was high on acid at the time
15. If you answered “yes,” would it change your vote significantly, somewhat, or not at all if you knew that George W. Bush was a draft-dodger and cokehead whose SAT scores wouldn’t have gotten him into ag school—let alone Yale—if it weren’t for Daddy?
__Yes, significantly
__Yes, somewhat
__Huh?
16. Which of the following onerous and unnecessary federal laws, programs, or protections would you favor discontinuing?
__The First Amendment
__The Fourth Amendment
__The Nineteenth Amendment
__Antitrust laws
__The Monroe Doctrine
__The home mortgage interest deduction
__Anti-bigamy and -polygamy laws
__School prayer
__High school condom distribution
__Interstate highway speed limits
__FAA carry-on restrictions
__The federal debt calculated to more than round trillions
__Public television and radio pledge drives
__Voting
__All of the above
Failure to answer all questions fully and truthfully may result in surprise tax audits, incarceration, or deportation. Remember, we know where you live.
