Treat ‘Em Mean . . .

I’ve been carrying on something of a long-distance relationship with this girl I met online about three years ago. It’s not exclusive, we tell each other about our more real-life romances, and we’ve visited each other several times. It’s been quite fun, and I always figured we’d eventually end up together.

However, and this is why I’m writing to you, the last time she visited, she was, to be blunt, fat. Now, if this was all that bothered me, I’d just be superficial and ditch her. But I only partially care about that; the problem is that she’s sensitive about being fat, and this, for me, ruins the entire basis of our relationship.

We kinda grooved on each other so much because of our mutual enjoyment of making fun of everyone else. We ripped on each other, too, and my balding head and her sagging tits came up all the time. We had a brutally honest and rude relationship.

But now, she has something she’s sensitive about, and it totally ruined my ability to make fun of her and our mutual joy of mocking everyone else, because we weren’t quite as comfortable together as before.

Now here’s my problem. I don’t like her fat, but really I’m mostly pissed that she’s sensitive about it. Her being sensitive shuts down all my attempts at addressing this. “Girl, you’re sensitive about being fat, and this is ruining our relationship” is pretty much what I want to say . . . but she’s sensitive about being fat and won’t talk about it.

I don’t want a solution that lets her stay fat—I’d like to fix that, too—but mostly I’d like some way to have her get over it and allow our relationship to be all open again. That way I can make fun of her for being fat and she’ll admit it, and then we can make fun of other fat people.

I dunno, am I bad?

Ricky Retardo

Two things: First off, no woman—no matter how bony or bodacious she might be—has a sense of humor about her weight. Doesn’t everyone know that? Working out in an almost exclusively male boxing gym has driven home the point that this is a gender-specific insecurity. The guys at my gym call each other charming names like “fatass,” but pity the fool who mentions my junk in the trunk. With rare exception, women never point out extra flab on their friends— unless they’re either related to you, elderly, or OK with the consequences (the end of the friendship or a left hook to the noggin).

The second thing is, what kind of sixth-grade-level, emotionally stunted relation­ship are you guys working with anyway? Your entire coupledom is based on making other people feel bad? Not to be all Pollyanna on your ass, but that’s just not very nice! It’s also idiotic.

I used to be friends with a mean girl. It has been said that she has never laughed unless it was at someone else’s expense. Mutual friends would cringe when we were together, because she brought out the bitch in me and the two of us together were like a force of evil. (Not that the bitch in me is exactly difficult to lure out of hiding, but that’s not the point.) The point is, our friendship eventually ended, because a person who is that nasty to other people eventually lets loose her venom on you. Our falling-out made me feel really crappy, but I’ve been much happier since she’s gone from my life and I don’t have to constantly be on the lookout for a knife in my back.

So your quasi-girlfriend is doing the right thing by putting up a little bit of a wall. Because look—she shows the teensiest bit of vulnerability, and you spaz. What kind of relationship is that? I’ll tell you what kind—a completely fake one.

Besides the obvious vanity issues with her weight gain, you might ponder what caused her to pack on so many pounds in what I presume is a relatively short amount of time. She could be depressed or maybe even ill. One thing I do know is that she won’t be telling you why.

Do the right thing: Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattle­ or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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