I have a problem. I met someone, and she told me not to fall in love with her because she liked being single and it would screw things up. So I asked someone else out. I started seeing that second woman, but she turned out to want to do everything “but.” Well, I told her one night that I couldn’t see her anymore because I only go out with women who like sex, and I kicked her out of my place. (Not very nice, I know.) Anyway, the next morning I had an e-mail from her saying she wanted to have dinner at my place. Halfway through dinner, she decides she wants cock. We ended up fucking all night.
Girl One came back into the mix, and all of a sudden I had this unmanageable rotation thing going on with these two women plus Girl X (who is “just” a friend). I was dragging my ass into work, tired. I missed my alarm two times and was late and exhausted. I was starting to feel old (like 90) and something had to give, so, against the advice of my guy friends, I told everyone about each other.
I figured that everyone would dump me and I could finally get some sleep. Not.
G1 says make a decision, G2 says she doesn’t care, and GX . . . well, we’re “just” friends. By this point, I was really fucked in every sense of the word, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired and exhausted, so I went on vacation by myself.
After a couple days, I called G1 and asked her to fly in. I’m back now, and I haven’t seen or spoken to G2 and I told GX that I can’t see her for awhile.
Here’s the problem: I lied about my age when I met G1, who I like and we have great times together. I don’t know how to tell her . . . it’s only five years, but I thought she was much younger when I first met her, and I was just trying to get into her pants. It wasn’t supposed to get this far. My first two months of being single and I have really screwed things up. Maybe I am not such a nice guy after all.
Not So Young or Nice
Don’t you hate it when people warn you not to fall in love with them? It’s either utterly insulting because the thought of so much as seeing them naked makes your naughty bits shrivel, or you immediately become obsessed with them, driving past their house 10 times a day (and night) and compulsively scratching their name into your thigh with a safety pin. (OK, maybe not that last thing.)
After all that juggling, you’re worried about a silly five-year age lie? Oh, please! It’s not like you’re fibbing about your STD status. (You didn’t, did you?) In the pantheon of prevarication, yours is strictly minor league. (Plus, women fudge their age almost as often as they shave a few pounds off their weight.)
Your sad tale reminded me of a story I read about a guy who’d been fantasizing about a three-way for years. Then it finally came true—in fact, there was even another chiquita in the mix, making it a four-way! At first he was all excited, but then he discovered the logistics of the thing made it almost (note, almost!) too complicated and tiring to enjoy. But still, you must realize that every straight boy in Seattle is hating you just a little right now.
Anyway, back to your problem. I was on a roll where just about every guy I met had shaved five to 10 years off his age. Of course, they all confessed almost immediately, and far from angering me, it made me see them as creatures as vulnerable and vain as any dame. (The only ones who annoyed me were those who were older than me but faked being younger than me. That is not fair!)
Unless Girl One is really uptight (which doesn’t sound like the case), she’ll probably be more inclined to laugh at you than holler. Especially if you handle it right. By “right,” I mean with plenty of self-deprecation and humor. Oh, and flattery. Puh-lenty o’ flattery. Tell her how you never thought a hottie like her would date an aged codger such as yourself, so you shrunk the truth. Show her your driver’s license and swear it’s your only untruth. Then make that the case.
Got a little secret? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
