Aries (March 21–April 19)

Try imagining how to explain light, colors, and sight to someone who’s been blind from birth. You could associate light with heat, or colors with sounds or feelings, but it’s unlikely they’d ever be able to grasp the concept in more than the most abstract way. Trying to make your latest brilliant idea clear might be just as fundamentally difficult; your audience isn’t yet ready to really wrap their heads around it. Be patient, creative, and persistent; fortunately, they’re not actually blind. It’s just that their eyes are still closed. They’ll open them, eventually. Just wait.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Everyone loves a bad boy/girl (at least at some point in their life). Why? It’s that dazzling confidence and the thrilling willingness to break the rules (all combined with a guess that they’d be great in bed). Nice guys/gals may not always finish last, but they rarely get laid first. There are plenty of people out there who are happy enough to settle for the sweet boy or girl next door, but the tough badass with the secret tender heart of gold is an archetype that’s far more charming. Embrace it. You’ve got the sensitive-golden-heart part down pat; what you need to work on is the tough exterior that would make that soft heart a sweet surprise. Guess what? That’s this week’s agenda.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Don’t be the equivalent of the old lady who has trouble figuring out the DVR, let alone navigating the Interwebs (or is simply unwilling even to look into the matter). I don’t know what happens when some people get old; their brains seem to resist absorbing new information. Me, I’d like to hang onto my independence as long as I can, and not be too thwarted by new stuff as it comes along. Don’t you agree? Stop being so stubborn and inflexible. You’ve got plenty of room for new information. Be a sponge, not a stone. When newness enters your life, soak it up.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Nobody loves a victim. People will have compassion for you when you’re down and out, but perpetual self-pity is ultimately an extremely unattractive quality. Shake it off. Even if you have gone through some bad shit recently, you need to move on and get over it. You’ve often had a tendency to take yourself (and the stuff that happens to you) way too seriously. Learning to laugh at yourself consistently (and, yes, at your troubles) is actually fun and liberating. Just between you and me, there’s another side benefit to applying good (and occasionally self-deprecating) humor to your life: You’ll get laid a lot more often.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Patience may be in short supply this week—both yours and others’. That’s why you’ll need to make an intense, concerted, conscious effort at least to pretend to be patient, despite the fact that you’re actually quite irritated by how absurdly long things are taking. You need to fake it well, too. If people catch wind of the slightest hint of the frustration you’re really feeling, it will only slow things down further. That’s the last thing you need. Practice projecting the serenity of a saint. If you don’t actually have that kind of patience, make sure you’re the only one who knows it.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

E-mail spam bets on the law of averages. It costs virtually nothing to send out, so it really doesn’t matter that 99.999% of people are going to delete it; if just one person in 100,000 falls for the scam, they’ve pulled a profit. This law can work in your favor—only you’re not panning for a sucker so much as for someone in a position to appreciate what you have to offer. There are plenty out there; that you haven’t found one indicates that you’re not casting your net widely enough. No need to spam mailing lists—but checking out friends of friends might be a good idea.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Whether they’re laughing with you or at you isn’t all that important; what matters is that they’re laughing. I hope you’ve gotten over taking yourself so seriously that a joke at your expense would tie your panties in a knot. Don’t be offended; laugh along. Better yet, figure out a way to increase the hilarity, not put a stop to it. Increasing the sum total of joy and happiness around you is worth suffering a few tiny ego bruises, wouldn’t you agree? Unruffle those feathers and ditch the chip on your shoulder. Let people have their fun. You can take it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Get rid of the kudzu in your life. Kudzu is an invasive vine that takes over all the plant life surrounding it. Because it’s a species that was imported to North America, very little can stop it. It just spreads and spreads. There’s someone in your life like this. Give them a foothold and they’ll try to take over, pervading every aspect of your existence that they have access to. If they’ve already gotten a grip, the only way to rid yourself of them is to tear them brutally out of your life, roots and all. Don’t hesitate, unless you really want to be inextricably tangled with this person. Just do it, before it’s too late.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Proposing marriage to someone you’d never met but only seen a picture of would be an immensely foolhardy proposition—no matter how hot the picture was. Although far less extreme, what you’re up to right now runs along these lines. This is not a slippery fish that will wriggle away and be lost if you don’t net and bag it now. It’s a person, and they won’t run unless you chase them. Give yourself more time to get to know them; at this point, you don’t know much more than you could glean from a flattering photograph. What’s the rush? Slow down. Way down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

Don’t be the person who finally gets rid of all the trash in their life, and then takes up residence at the landfill where it all was sent. You got rid of that shit for a reason, even if that reason seems far less clear now than it did when you set all this in motion. You simply have to trust that you really are better off without it, even if you miss some aspects of it terribly. Moving to the dump stinks of failure (and garbage). If you don’t think you can bear the vibe (or the fresh air) in your newly empty apartment, go crash with a friend.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Before you is a cage. What’s curious about this cage is that you’re not precisely sure whether you want to be inside it or outside it, or who you wish to have possession of the key. Strangely, the best person to keep hold of it might not be you. Even though it’s antithetical to your nature to limit yourself or give someone else power over you, that might be the best thing right now, as a purely temporary measure. It could be the quickest, the surest, or perhaps the only way to get to a better place.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Ignorance, besides being bliss, can be a form of protection—which is the primary reason people inflict it on those they love. They’re especially inclined to shield people from situations they believe can only cause pain, particularly those unlikely to change or improve. Remember that this week, when you discover that someone you trusted deliberately left you in the dark. It sucks, yeah—but maybe if you can see it less as a betrayal and more as an expression of affection (however misguided), it won’t hurt so much. I don’t expect you to thank the person, but maybe try not hating them?