A monk asked the Master Tungshan, “Who is the Buddha?”

Tungshan replied, “I know you are, but what am I?”

* * *

A student once asked the Sixth Patriarch, “Master, how do you get a goose out of a bottle?”

The Sixth Patriarch replied, “Add some water and yeast, and wait patiently. Soon you’ll have goose beer, and after a bowl of that, there are no problems.”

* * *

“Why this?”

“Why that?”

Stop searching in this fashion, for the truth that can be expressed in words is not the Eternal Truth. That is why toddlers are so exasperating.

* * *

When Hyakujo was with his master Baso, a flock of geese flew overhead.

Seeing an opportunity to teach his disciple, Baso asked, “What is that?”

“A flock of geese,” Hyakujo replied.

“Where are they flying to?” asked Baso.

“They are flying away,” said Hyakujo.

Baso twisted Hyakujo’s nose with great force. “You say they have flown away, but they are always overhead just the same.”

Hyakujo trembled with satori [sudden enlightenment]. “So that is why you walk under a parasol.”

* * *

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. (Except for me now, obviously.)

* * *

Monk: “What do you say when I come to you with nothing?”

Master: “Fling it down!”

Monk: “I said I had nothing. What shall I let go?”

Master: “If so, take it away.”

Monk: “Oh, I see you’re in one of your moods.”

* * *

What is the meaning of Bodhidharma’s coming from the East? Since when could he drive?

* * *

Do not fear Death. It is merely a pause between two forms of life . . . the “pause that refreshes.”

* * *

One sage said to the other, “The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?”

The other sage said, “When you have gotten out of the net, I will tell you.”

The first sage said, “Wha—? Oh, it’s a METAPHOR!”

Replied the second sage, “Du-uh.”

* * *

The Sixth Patriarch attempted to stump his acolyte by asking, “If all things are reducible to the One, what is the One reducible to?”

The acolyte thought a moment and answered, “Buzz.”

The Sixth Patriarch was well pleased and appointed the acolyte features editor of Time Out.

* * *

“Does a dog have the Buddha-nature?” asked the acolyte.

“That is the most important question of all,” said the Master.

“So what’s the answer?” asked the acolyte.

“That is also the most important question of all,” said the Master.

“This is very frustrating.”

“Please answer in the form of a question,” said the Master.

* * *

Hiju Yesho was once asked by a monk, “What is Buddha?”

Yesho answered, “The cat is climbing up the post.”

The monk confessed his inability to understand the Master.

“No matter,” said Yesho. “Them cats is good eatin’.”

* * *

Joshu asked the teacher Nansen, “Is death an end or a beginning?”

Nansen thought for a moment, then replied, “How badly do you want to know?”

* * *

Ying-men sat with his three disciples. He laid a fan on the ground, saying, “Without calling it a ‘fan,’ tell me what this is.”

The first disciple said, “You couldn’t call it a slop-bucket.”

Ying-men took up his staff and promptly drove him from the room under a hail of blows.

The second disciple picked up the fan and fanned himself. He, too, was beaten away.

The third disciple opened the fan, laid a piece of cake on it, and served it to his teacher.

Ying-men beat him nearly unconscious before the disciple made it out the door.

Ying-men returned to his seat, took a bite of the cake, and said contentedly, “I can’t believe this is a religion.”

* * *

A monk asked Huang-yen, “What is laughter?”

“What is not laughter?” replied Huang-yen.

“Um, I don’t know how to tell you this,” said the monk sheepishly, “but you really don’t have a good sense of humor.”*