DEAR PET LADY,
I am very concerned about my friend. You see, I needed to freshen my cocktail, so I checked his freezer for some ice. I only found dry, shriveled-up pieces, which was a problem, but not the one for which I seek your advice. While rummaging through the freezer, I came across a baggie with two frozen fish; now, I’m not talking Mrs. Paul’s, but rather Mr. and Mrs. Goldman. I quickly checked the fish tank, and sure enough, there was only a tankful of algae and two floating army men. Sadly, the Goldmans were the closest thing to an ice cube I could find, but I wasn’t about to float them in my drink.
I immediately confronted my friend with my macabre discovery and insisted that we give the Goldmans a proper burial in the bathroom, posthaste. My friend protested and insisted that a more fitting burial would be a potted plant or maybe a final trip to the beach. But what about factors such as tides, cats, or repotting your plants? Will you please advise us on what a proper burial for the Goldmans is? I fear that if we wait any longer, the Goldmans may become as dry and shriveled as the ice (see photo).
Flush ‘Em
DEAR FLUSH ‘EM,
The Pet Lady is most distressed to learn of your probable consumption of an improperly chilled cocktail. Macabre, indeed—the P.L. hopes you had the wherewithal to get yourself and your friend to a local martinizing establishment before succumbing to despair at your dire circumstance and partaking of a warm adult beverage that should rightfully have been cold. The importance of proper beverage temperature cannot be overstated; civilization as we know it rests upon this foundation. One ought to have not-too-aged ice available at all times in a proper home; you might tactfully present your friend with several new ice-cube trays, or just bring the always welcome gift of a bag of ice on the occasions of your visits. And are you aware that ice which has become all stuck together may be tapped with the back of a large spoon to make it again fit for use? You are now armed with this important knowledge, dear Flush ‘Em.
As for the matter of laying goldfish friends to rest, the commode is the time-honored method; a brief nondenominational prayer may be said over the bowl for proper ceremony. If your strange friend is uncomfortable with that (and seeing as he is comfortable with keeping the deceased Goldmans in the freezer as well as inadequate ice supplies, this seems odd to the P.L.), burial in a shallow grave, indoors or out, with a protective surface stone is also completely acceptable.
Best to you, and cheers!
The Pet Lady
Pet difficulty? Send photos and letters to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.
