Dear Pet Lady,
Many thanks for the little rubber cheeseburger you sent. Penny has already enjoyed countless minutes of cheeseburger fun, but now the poor dog has confused herself with a pirate. She walks around in ridiculous little headdresses as if she were a real pirate. How can we tell her she is not a pirate and doesn’t even have pirate heritage?
Johanna Pearl Garmanian
Dear Pet Lady,
While I was tanning on spring break in Cabo last week, a big ol’ ugly dog jumped up on me and drooled. But he had beads in his hair, just like Bo Derek in 10. He looked so sad! Was it the beads?
Beadless back at school
Dear People,
Per the piano player at the Cloud Room, humans have been ornamenting their fur friends since the first saber-toothed tiger was domesticated and bedecked with a rhinestone collar. The Pet Lady would like to point out that Homo sapiens have also been clubbing each other to death since the first saber-toothed tiger was barbecued over the first fire and the first man wearing a Kiss the Cook apron did not want to share the first ribs; does this make said clubbing morally correct? These are the questions one ought to confront when contemplating garbing one’s little dog in a tiny yellow raincoat or dying one’s cat mint green. They have such scant self-determination as it is—humans decide when they get to go out, humans choose their entr饳—cannot they wear the fur, feather, or leather coats they came with? Wherefore pet dignity? Look at the expression on the pet face of any pet being subjected to the grievous indignity of a tiny topknot with a pink ribbon or a funny hat; there is the face of morose acceptance of utter humiliation. The only thing they don’t seem to mind is wearing sunglasses, but the Pet Lady suspects that it only seems so because one cannot see the sorrow in their eyes.
Thus, Pearl, you ought to dress yourself up as a pirate and march about in an eye patch (fun, but beware of walking into things) rather than projecting this career ambition upon the long-suffering Lenny, and the Pet Lady implores any readers in the vacation paradise that Beardless mentions above to please locate and debead the sad dog there as well as to enjoy a nice umbrella drink on her behalf.
The Pet Lady
Send a photo of your pet and possibly receive a rubber cheeseburger. E-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com or send by land to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
