DEAR PET LADY,
I enclose a picture of my beautiful little bulldog, Ms. Antoinette Bertha Blucher of Bremerton by the Bay. She loves to sit in this chair and watch the big ships sail in and out of Sinclair Inlet. I love my little girl, but other people are afraid of her or think she isn’t pretty enough to bring into the public. What do you think?
Hank Galmish
DEAR GILGAMESH,
Pretty is as pretty does, and while the Pet Lady must surmise that Marie Antoinette drools a great deal, as is the wont of the bulldog, she also must commend the act of Zen contemplation that is watching the passing ships. The Pet Lady must also note that recent forays into the public in the Jet City have found the public itself none too pretty, in addition to being overrun with garish sows, the sole function of which seems to be to take cutesiness to execrable new heights. What is more fearsome: an enormous pig wearing glasses with, surreally, nightmarishly, the figure of a boychild wearing a propeller beanie and looking at a computer on its smooth, shiny back [Eds. note: located on Western between Spring and Madison, menacing the offices of the Seattle Weekly] or a nice little, albeit drooly, dog? The Pet Lady thinks beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and she would rather behold Mlle. Antoinette than these relentless swine.
The Pet Lady
IMPORTANT NOTE TO MIKE DOUGLAS:
It has come to the attention of the Pet Lady that while she was unable to determine whether you have a cockatiel or a cockatoo due to your dreadful spelling [The Pet Lady, June 14], it is also possible that you have a cockatrice, in which case your problems are much greater than mere puzzlement over where said creature enjoys perching. You will know your pet is a cockatrice if it was hatched by a reptile from a cock’s egg on a dunghill and looks like a cross between a rooster and a dragon/snake. Another telltale sign would be its deadly glance. Beware!
The Pet Lady
Send your pet query and depiction to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.
