The Pet Lady’s attention has been drawn to a pair of rather ancient letters that apparently fell behind the liquor cabinet. So that no dear readers feel neglected, let us hear them out, if belatedly . . .
DEAR, DEAR PET LADY,
Do not—do NOT come to Bremerton, oh lover of tiny gentle furry things. At least not without a thermos of comforting very dry martinis and many little olives.
This is an evil, evil place for animals. Oh, the puppy mills. Oh, the kitten-breeding pyramid schemes. Oh, the abductions and the poisonings and the flinging of the kitties to the poor maddened unsocialized dogs. Bad, bad, adult humans, always responsible, refusing to recognize it.
Many, many wonderful people in Bremerton fight against the evil. But the town is cursed, cursed, cursed. A native person must have stood in the invaded mud flats and called down the spirits upon this place.
I am going to my sacred tequila bottle now, dear, dear Pet Lady. I will pet my kitties, and you pet yours.
Donna Barr, Bremerton
DEAR DONNA BARR,
Indeed, the Pet Lady will avoid Bremerton like the proverbial plague. From the sounds of it, things are utterly mad thereabouts, and the P.L. is quite alarmed by your report from the field. If such goings-on are truly afoot, the P.L. urges you to contact Mr. George Howland care of this newspaper immediately (and the P.L. regrets deeply that your missive of May 24 was mislaid so long, as the situation as you recount it demands attention). Mr. Howland is a nice man who loves children and our fur friends, and he is also Editor of the News and will thus send an intrepid reporter to look into your allegations. Meanwhile, cheers; but beware the tequila, dear Donna Barr, as it can make one rather paranoid.
The Pet Lady
DEAR PET LADY,
I’ve welcomed Julian, an 8-month-old kitten, into my home. Little Julian is the sweetest angel on four paws—purrs like a drag racer when I pick him up, “talks” to me frequently, and even looks forward to car rides with the enthusiasm of a dog.
I don’t know his breed—he’s an all-American shelter cat who had been abandoned. This is likely the root of his trouble—he’s scared that “Mommy” won’t come back. When I have to leave for work, the little guy protests and can keep protesting for hours. Honestly, I’d take him with me to work if I could get away with it, but since I can’t, is there anything I can do to make it easier on him when “Mommy’s” away?
Jessie
DEAR JESSIE,
As your letter was dated Jan. 5, the Pet Lady trusts Julian is well into his active adolescent phase and is thus no longer so preoccupied with “Mommy’s” presence or lack thereof. Had the Pet Lady learned of your difficulty in a more timely manner (deepest apologies, dear Jessie), the obvious tandem solution of avoiding showing Julian the movie Bambi and obtaining Julian a pet of his own would have been deployed. As it is, happy motoring and best to you and Julian.
The Pet Lady
Belated pet difficulty? Send photos and letters to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.
