DEAR BEAUTIFUL PET LADY,
I recently moved to N.Y.C. and decided that adding some fish to my tiny living space would provide my psyche with a little calm-candy. Additionally, my feng shui book says “real fish are extremely beneficial as they symbolize wealth and prosperity.” So, I ran to the pet store with my roommate on a Saturday afternoon and we purchased three perfect goldfish.
On day one, we named them Geoff, Mina, and Precious. On day two, I searched Chinatown for the quintessential big-round-fishbowl and transplanted my babies to their new home. On day three, I thought the water looked a little cloudy, so I changed it. I wanted my babies to have a nice clean home. My roommate and I went out for a few cocktails on the evening of day three, and when we came home, we decided that Geoff’s tail was a little too pretty and Mina’s eyes were a bit too dark—so we switched their names accordingly. On day four, Mina (formerly known as Geoff) was lying motionless on the bottom of the quintessential big-round-fishbowl. It was horrifying. The evening of day four, I checked on the remaining babies and found Geoff (formerly known as Mina) lying motionless on the bottom of the quintessential big-round-fishbowl. Heartbreaking! Precious is fine and seems very happy. Every day, I check on her repeatedly, and when I see her swimming around, I exclaim loudly, “Precious is still alive! Precious is still alive!” It’s become a sort of ritual. I like saying it, and Precious likes hearing it.
A friend of mine had a sea horse once, and his name was Geoff. Geoff the sea horse is dead. Both of my beloved fish that have passed were once named Geoff. Do you think there is a curse on the name Geoff, or do you think that Precious might have killed them? What sort of effect will this have on my feng shui?
East Village Fish Lover
DEAR EAST VILLAGE FISH LOVER,
Your fish saga is indeed a tragic and epic one; the Pet Lady especially appreciates its epic nature, as she enjoyed far too many nice martinis last night and would like to keep her answer brief and yet still fill up the box on the Pet Page. Also, E.V.F.L., you have called the P.L. beautiful, which has penetrated her haze sufficiently so that she not only remembers this fact from lo those many words ago, but she would also like to thank you for being so kind as to remark upon her loveliness. You certainly seem lovely as well, dear E.V.F.L., with your insistence on a proper big-round-fishbowl and appropriate renaming of fish, although your lengthy acronym is giving the P.L. visions of an EViL ELF; shall the P.L. just call you Dear from this point forth? Indeed, she shall. In answer to your many, many questions, Dear, fish simply die a lot; it is just their way. As for your feng shui, the P.L. is sure it will be just fine, so long as you do not store knives behind mirrors. Much, much love to you and the entirety of your newly adopted city, Dear!
The Pet Lady
Send your pet query and depiction to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.
