DEAR PET LADY,

My cat and my dog are having a weird affair. Both are fixed, both are females, but they still like to hump. Is this wrong?

Love in All the Wrong Places

P.S. To make matters worse, whenever my mom, Pam, yells at them to stop, they just move it to the front lawn, traumatizing the children.

DEAR LOVE-IN,

All sorts of behavior transpires in the animal kingdom, most of it too horrible to contemplate. The Pet Lady trusts that you are high-minded enough that it is not the sapphic aspect of your pets’ liaison that you find questionable, but rather the wanton public displays of affection and, perhaps, the interspecific nature of said displays, and, most certainly, the bellowing of your dear mother. Raising one’s voice is so rarely warranted (except, of course, in uncontainable glee); you might begin by tell Pam to calm down.

Now, Love, to your question: Is it wrong? At the risk of again having to entertain the nihilists with scones and sherry, the Pet Lady must rhetorically ask: What is “wrong,” really? We know, for instance, that in a humane society, punishment of the eye-for-an-eye variety, as well as uniformed law enforcement shooting to kill when they could just wing a person, is wrong. It is, however, beyond the scope of the Pet Lady to stand in judgement of two nice fur friends expressing their base instincts on whatever’s handy (in this case, each other). Try not to fret about it; think of it as a good way for the children to learn about nature in all its vast pageantry.

Best to you, Pam, the children, etc.,

The Pet Lady

DEAR PET LADY,

I have a 4-month-old female cockotee and I notice when I open the cage in the morning, she goes right to the top of the cage and does her thing until when I put her in the cage and cover it so she goes to sleep at night, why do birds always go to the highest perch or location of the cage?

Douglas

DEAR MIKE DOUGLAS,

The Pet Lady is unable to ascertain whether you mean you have a cockatiel, a nice smaller-type parrot that is gray of body with generally a yellow head, or a cockatoo, a larger parrot that is variously described as “noisy” and “crazy-driving.” If, by “does her thing,” you mean quietly moves about, whistling back to you when you whistle the special whistle, then it is likely you have a cockatiel. The Pet Lady knew a very nice one once; she was called Grey Friend and spent her days systematically tearing to shreds an umbrella attached to an outdoor-furniture table (she did indeed enjoy going to the top of it, but not exclusively) and returning special whistles.

Mr. Douglas, you might ask yourself: Why do birds do anything? Who knows? The term “birdbrain” comes not from naught. The Pet Lady loves our feathered friends, but as the Pet Grandmother once said, “A young bird is about the dumbest thing there is.” Try not to fret about it; you might want to get your bird of whatever type a nice outdoor-furniture table with umbrella to dismantle, however.

The Pet Lady

Send your pet query and depiction to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.