DEAR PET LADY,

In response to Dru LeVeck’s bird info, I just would like to say that poor Dru is incorrect in saying “all birds”! How many ostriches or penguins do you see perched anywhere?!

Dion

DEAR DION,

Goodness! This has become quite an ongoing controversy! The Pet Lady is moved to deploy several exclamation points! Fortunately, the Pet Secretary does not mind going into the dusty stacks to find out what you people are talking about when you wait weeks and weeks to write, or, as in this case, write in response to a response to a letter that the Pet Lady received in the lovely month of June! The P.S. reminds us that on some date (which, knowing the P.S., will be inserted in brackets nearby—the P.S. is delightfully diligent and indeed makes a perfect dry martini), one Mike Douglas wrote regarding his pet bird constantly climbing to the top of its cage to perch [June 14]. Then the fantastically named Dru LeVeck took a moment from his or her busy day to inform us, sensibly, that “birds . . . get on high things so they won’t get eaten” [July 12]. And now you, dear Dion, with your ironic, rhetorical question!–the answer to which is clearly “none.” And there are even fewer penguins just standing around or leaping cutely off polar cliffs into the jaws of waiting predators now that our tremendous president is ignoring global warming. Please send him a missive demanding that he cease being such a colossal jackass (the Pet Secretary will be happy to forward your notes to this effect to the White House).

The Pet Lady

DEAR PET LADY,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement [July 5]. We have replaced Olive’s snack-time couch with a solid and untattered new sofa. Olive is no longer allowed to lounge on the furniture and has not yet bothered the new furniture by biting or chewing it. We kept two cushions from the old couch, and they have become Olive’s spot. She isn’t as happy as she was when she had free reign, but there is no more upholstery or foam ingestion. All in all, it is a happier place.

I talked to an animal behaviorist shortly after writing you in desperation. He said that Olive just needed more mental stimulation. Now we play a game with her food—we hide her bowl in the morning, and she has to find it. This amount of brain activity seems to suffice for an entire day. If only my life were so simple.

Thanks again, Pet Lady.

Jen

DEAR JEN,

No, no—thank you so much for graciously sending a note about the resolution of Olive’s couch-eating problem. Having been moved by your initial desperation, the Pet Lady is quite relieved, and she shall also henceforth feel an unexpected sense of happiness that no one is hiding her breakfast in the morning.

The Pet Lady

Send your pet query and depiction to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.